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The different kinds of Ugandan musicians

Let’s name them: Ever noticed how the Ugandan music industry keeps getting newbies? The artistes are too many that we have lost count. Only thing is that there are many masqueraders; the one hit wonders, slayers, dummies, etc.

We are accustomed to categorising musicians based on the different genres. When it comes to Uganda, these genres do not apply. Given that one song can have all the different genres at play, it is best to identify the music artistes as per customised Ugandan categories.

Kisasi Kimu, aka One hit wonders

They had one bullet in their musical chamber, and they gave it their best shot. All attempts to prove otherwise have failed them. They too cannot explain how they landed on this one hit. Nonetheless, they milked this song dry. It is here that you will find musicians singing about being single, spending time eating ‘macaroni’. The one thing about these artistes is their self-confidence. Instead of a collabo with Chameleone, they insist on having a battle. Here we have the Big Eyes, the Ziggy Dees, and the Buchamans of this world. They are unpredictable, they could sing about anything, sooner or later, they could be singing about corona.

The bouncers

These ones get us confused as to whether they chose a wrong profession. They have spent hours bodybuilding instead of bringing home BET awards. Among these musicians, you find all sorts of miracles. One fought a gang of 100 South Africans, was knocked down by a speeding car, rose on his feet and managed to grab the door of the car. As if that was not enough, he ran into a school garage, and managed to make a live recording. If you think this is a movie, then you ought to meet the Pallaso of our days. Another has had to be pelted with bottles, not once, but twice. Nonetheless, he still survives. He is going nowhere.

The dummies

These are musicians with more than one hit every year. They do not write their own music, do not play a single instrument, cannot even do a live performance. But one thing is certain, they know how to wiggle on stage.

Despite being ‘dummies’, they still get fans worked up. They may not have the versatility of talent, but know how to keep their fans hooked. You could call it things only queens understand. Whatever the case, they never give up.

The slayers

We all know the names of these musicians, but we cannot mention any of their songs. These kinds of artistes have more Instagram photos than songs. One thing about them is that they will do everything that is required of an artiste. They will show up for radio interviews, hold press conferences and capture behind the scene recordings. The one thing they will not do, is make actual music. The president of the slayers is none other than Pia Pounds with Baliruno as the vice president.

The ducklings, aka Kaana ka mbata

The ducklings are quick to spot every opportunity that they can use to gain public sympathy. Every time someone attacks them, they bring up their cover story. Every scandal is a moment for them to narrate their life story. When their woman leaves, they will cry about it and remind everybody of their duckling identity. After a series of lamentations, the duckling will also remind the fans about the BET award. If the world fails to hearken to these lamentations, they proceed to the next level and cry out; “Gavumenti weyaayu…”

Chameleones

These ones will never commit to a side. The one thing they do well, is adapt to every situation. They are quick to read the trends and be on the right side. They know how to evolve and morph into a new creature. They could punch someone in the morning, at noon they will be having lunch with the person, and at night, they could send out another punch.  Even when they try to go for politics, they will not fully commit. They can run from a Bebe Cool camp to a Bobi Wine camp. No side trusts them, yet no side hates on them.

The work smart

In an industry where everyone is working hard, releasing a song every month, we have that category of musicians that works smart. You do not see them in studio or beefing. But you can be assured they will have a hit every year.

These are the Toniks and Bugembes. You cannot tell how they do it, but they will have something to ride on every year. They are proof that it is not how fast you run, it is where you run to.

Friends of Sheilah, Friends of Heard

Do you know Sheilah?  What about Heard? Well, if you don’t, then you are missing out on this important category of artistes. The one thing these artistes have in common is that they have had a friend called Sheilah and Heard somewhere along their musical journey. They are either in some exodus or busy setting up their grenades.

To be continued…

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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