To all our wives, girlfriends, sisters and members of the Uganda Girlfriends Association (UGA), it is not news anymore that Uganda reported Covid-19 cases. As Uganda Boyfriends Association (UBA), we have sat down and released the mighty 10-point programme against this pandemic. We believe that UGA will fully endorse these points.
We shall not be releasing extra emergency funds to UGA in these times. Given that bars and other hangouts spots are closed, the President’s advice on scientific weddings should apply to other events. Baby showers, birthdays, introduction showers should all be scientific.
Why on earth do you need 20 people to attend a baby shower? Given that baby production is a process between two adults, there is no point inviting other adults to be part of the outcomes. The same applies to wedding meetings.
If you have decided that you want to get married, then why make us part of your private decisions. We have henceforth halted anything that speaks to contributions. Let things be scientific. We shall be diverting all the funds towards the coronavirus research initiatives.
As you may all be aware, several men were locked out of the borders of this country. Do not assume that these husbands are busy hiding somewhere in Uganda. They tried their best to beat the deadline, but the situation could not allow.
If your man has been missing since the President closed the borders, assume that he’s locked out, or is confined in mandatory quarantine.
The issue of transport money. There has been contestation on whether to give or not to give transport money in these times of Covid-19. It has been decided that no movements shall be allowed in this period.
To men, if you cannot marry her, stop bothering her. Use this time to reflect on whether you are serious about the relationship. Girlfriends do not need transport money, they are supposed to live next to their boyfriends.
We appeal to all landlords… and ladies to defer rent payments. In fact, rent should be cancelled for the next three months. Why on earth should we even pay rent? Given that most of us wake up in the night and return in the night, we propose that in the aftermath of Covid-19, rent should be paid purely on hours of sleep.
If I spend a Friday night out partying, and return on Saturday, that Friday amount should be deducted from the monthly rent. We have tasked the Uganda Tenants and Rent Payers Association (UTARPA) to devise means of solving this rent question.
Tweny Tweny is hereby cancelled. Once Covid-19 is eliminated, we shall fast-forward to 2021. January must be laughing at how March has treated us. We cannot risk going through the rest of the months. In fact, we could re-wind to 2019 since it is easier for the President to pronounce.
We appeal to all suppliers of weaves, and other fake accessories to shift their guns towards the sale of essential products in these times. Instead of selling us Hawaiian weaves, we would appreciate if you availed sanitisers to these ladies. The cost of one weave is enough to buy boxes of sanitiser. On that note, why is everyone all of a sudden a manufacturer of sanitiser?
To the men, social distancing doesn’t automatically imply monetary distancing. We expect that those with debts will proceed to clear them as earlier promised. Excuses such as shutdowns at your workplace should not translate in delaying payments.
Baby papas should continue availing the monthly stipend to their baby mamas. Force Majeures do not apply in Ugandan relationships. You must continue sending her monthly airtime even if she will never use it to call you.
Although the use of masks is still a contentious issue, we do not expect residents of some areas to wear masks. If not for ‘kajanja’, why would a resident of Bulindo wear a mask? Honestly, you have dealt with dust for the last million years, do you expect that corona will penetrate where your dust failed?
Keep calm, let’s leave masks to people of Kiwatule, Naalya, Bunga to mention but a few. For those in Nansana, Kulambiro, Kyaliwajjala, stick to washing your hands with bar soap as you have always done.
We propose that some individuals are repatriated as fast as possible. These include the mighty Piira Ssematimba. We should make a provision to send him back to his village in Los Angeles.
We condole with Bryan White too in these hard times. We expect that he will make it to Italy and offer some of his apartments as makeshift ICUs. For Tea-mothy Curry-gerra… we are yet to establish where exactly he belongs.
Finally, the virus is an easy thing for us to combat if we follow the basics. To avoid congestion points, we appeal once again to the sachet car drivers to keep at home in these times. We do not want to deal with jam under the pretext of using a car. Bicycles and boda bodas should not be disguised as cars.
For purposes of clarity, Passos, Vitz and the likes should keep at home in these hard times. It is down to washing hands, sanitising, and social distancing. For Subaru drivers, social distancing doesn’t imply flying on the roads. Keep calm and wait for the Subaru virus.