What if…: Musical couples tend to excite all of us in equal measure. We sit and imagine how different things would have turned out if Bobi Wine had taken on Juliana Kanyomozi. Would it have lasted? Would the gossip pages take a rest? For this Valentine’s Day, Ian Ortega spreads our imagination and pairs up our celebrities.
A Pass and Spice Diana
The industry would never get enough of this couple. They are two young playful chaps. If not taking yourself too seriously was a couple, this couple would be it. It would be a hurdle to get them to committment, for they will make a joke of the entire process. Would the two have children? Again, this would be worth a bet. One thing for sure, the couple will be a darling of the fans. They would be the first rich and broke couple, mentored by the one and only MC Kats. It would be comical when the two get to the studio to sing about their 32 points, as one grows an afro while another’s weave drops off. It is a couple the industry cannot wait to have.
Gravity Omutujju and Winnie Nwagi
Have you heard of bombs exploding in a house? Shattered glasses, broken furniture? It is a couple we would all love to hate and hate to love. Every moment, we would be a minute away from sparks. To balance the heat, Chozen Blood would be the side dish helping Nwagi calm down. In the end, Nwagi would always cry on Chozen Blood’s chest while running back to Omutujju. But one thing is certain, it would be fire after fire, only contained by Nwagi’s twerking.
Kabako and Kapa Cat
Our matchmakers paired these two together, and this is a super ‘probulemu’ for the industry. Imagine the man doing the electric dance while shirtless and the wife shouting two words; ‘nonsense’ and ‘sikyo’. These two were made for each other, but the fire generated by the two would burn them to ashes. Who in the first place names themselves Kapa Cat? Maybe, it is to keep in line with the names of the creatures such as a chameleone and a weasel. This couple would have no furniture in their house, nothing can survive at the feet of Kabako.
Big Eye and Pia Pounds
When is the last time Big Eye had a hit song? In case you think that is a hard question, then you have need to try mentioning one song of Pia Pounds. For this reason, we have paired the two so they can live as a couple lamenting about their hustle. Big Eye will simply post his photo with President Museveni while Pia Pounds will post photos from her latest photoshoot. Together, they will convince themselves that a breakthrough is coming soon in the industry. Before they know it, they will be 60, with no hit from Big Eye, and a beauty lost in the ashes of age for Pia Pounds. But maybe, dating could help them create a hit song, a collabo about being pelted with bottles because of love.
Eddy Kenzo and Lydia Jazmine
This did not seem as obvious as we imagined. We thought of pairing Kenzo with Sasha Brighton and handing Lydia Jazmine to Khalifah Aganaga. Following days of critical thought, we decided to let Lydia Jazmine take Kenzo. Whereas Kenzo is fresh from a failed relationship, Jazmine is fresh from fashion and make-up fails. Kenzo will teach Jazmine about fashion, while she lectures him about women and their doctors. Together, we shall have a Semyekozo and Namyekozo.
Chris Evans and Chosen Becky
Chris Evans is the Ugandan Lazarus; he was hammered on the head eight times and he still came out alive. Why was he moving late in the night? To find something to eat, some Kikomando. For this reason, we are helping Chris Evans settle down with a Masaka lady. At least he will not have to survive the ninth time. Chosen Becky is peaceful, and ready to commit. Chris Evans will need the perfect homemaker in the name of Becky, someone who will believe the magical story of the hammers.
Grenade and Judith Babirye
We do not know how Grenade does it, but whatever he does, it must be working. Why not give him a chance with the one and only Judith Babirye? After all, age is just a number. Love cares not who you are, where you have been and where you have come from. But on second thought, we can simply pair up Hassan Nduga with Judith Babirye and leave Full Figure to contain Grenade.
John Blaq and Nina Roz
For the sake of opposites attracting each other, John Blaq needs Nina Roz and vice-versa. Why? Because you need someone at height to help when John Blaq starts stuttering. Just someone to tap on his head and call him to order. Beyond that, these two have had big hits yet still maintained their calm. The two can hold onto each other, John Blaq as usual playing the role of a mechanic, and Nina Roz, as usual, the down-to-earth model turned singer.
Pastor Bugembe and Sheebah
We have waited for long. Every year Pastor Bugembe has assured us that it would be the year he closes the curtain on bachelorhood. We have decided that for this year, let’s match the Pastor with Queen Karma. First, it will win many souls to the Kingdom, but above all, we shall have a pastor in the safe hands of the queen. At least, Bugembe will help write Sheebah’s lyrics so no person calls her a dummy anymore. And since the news of this couple will shock everyone, we would be able to move on from the Hamza-Rema story.
Fik Fameica and Jowy Landa
This would make a Ugandan version of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez; young, innocent, all ready to explore the world. Fameica will only have one heartbreak to speak of, sanctioned by the ‘wife’ of God’s Plan. Jowy Landa will have no serious past relationship to boast of. It will be two inexperienced characters having a go at love. No wounds from past relationships. It is just love getting started on a fresh platter, a bond made in heaven.
Ykee Benda and Vinka
This is the year of jolting all Semyekozos out of their comfort zones. It is time to entrust Ykee Benda with a sure. That way, we do not have to hear more songs like Singa. This is it or nothing at all. Why Vinka? Because we have not heard any concrete rumour about a boyfriend. And because well, Ykee Benda is single and very searching.