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The Men’s Conference wasn’t in vain after all

RESOLUTIONS: For five days, men around the world were ‘locked up’ in a conference discussing things they have kept bottled up for a while. The 10th Men’s Conference discussed, among other things, broke men, airtime and transport for their baes and of course cars.

Following the extraordinary summit, a.k.a men’s conference that was held on February 14, 2020, the following resolutions have been passed. Representatives of men around the world agreed without fear or favour that going forward, all men shall abide by these resolutions. All national boyfriend associations, and husband unions have been asked to proceed with the implementation phase of the following resolutions.

On transport

It has been resolved that there will be no transport issued before arrival. Statements such as “send me transport and I come” shall not be tolerated. Instead men are asked to abide by one statement: “Get a bodaboda, I will refund your transport when you arrive.”

It has also been resolved that all girlfriends will be expected to use the means of transport that they use on a normal day. As such, a girl who normally uses taxis and boda bodas will not be expected to demand for an Uber. Any man found to be contravening the new law on transport will be relieved of his title as a man and asked to look for a new gender.

On airtime

Although we understand the need to communicate, the men’s summit has resolved that unless airtime is being used to talk to you the boyfriend, this should not be a debatable issue. The only ground men can concede is on the purchase of Internet bundles and OTT.

On boyfriends-in-law

The men’s conference also voted overwhelmingly on the issue of boyfriends-in-law. For long, boyfriends-in-law have been called all sorts of demeaning names such as “side-dish” a.k.a “omusiguze.” When the issue was put to the vote, all men recognised the importance of this office in the stability of relationships.

Sometimes your girlfriend is annoyed because your boyfriend-in-law is not replying her messages. It is upon every man to pick up the phone and ask the holder of this office to promptly reply your girlfriend’s messages.

A good boyfriend-in-law implies a good relationship and in the end, every man’s happiness. It was also resolved that every man should have full knowledge of his boyfriend-in-law. It does not hurt to buy them a beer once in a while.

On men’s cars

Many of you must have heard that certain cars were denied access to the men’s conference. This included cars such as Raum, Probox, Runx, Ractis, Vitz to mention but a few. All these cars fall under the sachet category.

This resolution was passed in the spirit of eliminating congestion on the road and at petrol stations. If a man can sit in a Vitz, they surely can abandon it for a boda boda. We need to save the environment. If we must pollute the environment, let us do it with the right category of machines. It is on this note that the men’s conference offered to construct three new airports for the Subaru and Altezza drivers. For long, these people have made attempts at flying, it is best we give them the opportunity. Subaru drivers love to arrive everywhere in seconds, even in places where men’s reputations are always at stake.

On filters

The use of filters has been classified as top level fraud. The famous ka-flower has also been banned. All girlfriends are therefore asked to adhere to crystal clear photography.Our lawyers have been notified to pursue all cases of facial fraud until justice is delivered to the victims. On this same note, the men’s conference had a big time debating critical topics such as; “men and snapchat.” Why on earth would a man be on Snapchat? What business does a man have changing his profile picture every week? Why on earth would a man even post a WhatsApp status update everyday?

It was also revealed that some men were found taking selfies. The men’s conference resolved to suspend this business of men taking selfies. In the past, men were busy inventing new laws of motion, today, men are busy taking selfies, and using emojis.

On the avoidance of questions

One of the professors, a,k,a Prof. Frank Gashumba, presented a paper on the avoidance of questions. A man has no business answering questions such as “who gave you my number?” Men were also cautioned that the moment she says she does not want to talk about it, they should not pester her. Pestering her was found to result in endless requests according to the social researchers that were present at the conference. Men were also advised to avoid suicidal tendencies that come from forgetting her birthday and forgetting to compliment her when she plaits a new hairstyle.

On broke men

There was a heated exchange at the mention of the words “broke men”. Chaos almost broke out in the room as the words stung deep through the spine of many men. Nonetheless, the men agreed to delete the words ‘broke man’ from the dictionary. If you are broke, you cannot identify as man. You are a boy and you should be up for adoption. A man cannot be broke. Broke and man cannot exist in the same sentence. One man wondered: “If you are broke, then shouldn’t you be somewhere in mummy’s house doing the chores?” What is a man without money? And it was on this note that omwavu was finally nailed onto the cross.

To be continued…


Ian Ortega

President, Uganda Boyfriends Association (UBA)

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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