NEW TIMES: We are in a totally new generation, meaning that the things that made up our curriculum are close to invalid. What the children of now need to be studying should be stuff that is relatable to them. Things like the art of slayqueening, economics of potholes, etc.
As the country prepares itself for a new curriculum, we should be thinking out of the box about an alternative curriculum. Since it is all about preparing students for the changing times, it is high time we proposed some of the things in the new curriculum.
Economics of pothole formation
Given that there are more potholes than roads in Uganda, we should be teaching the next generation about the importance of potholes in this banana economy. Students should be able to understand that it is impossible to have economic growth without potholes. We should teach them the art and science of dodging potholes. Mechanics should be taught about the elasticity of pothole formation versus car repair costs.
Our potholes should be highlighted as a case study for other countries; that in Uganda, we control speed on the road using potholes, not humps. And because of this, we are very cost-effective. We can even remind our tourism board that we have the highest pothole per capita in the world.
Every Ugandan owns at least two potholes, this is all potential we need to realise. If the minister cannot explain why we do not have potholes on the curriculum, then she ought to be called to order.
Philosophy of driving in Kampala
It takes special skills to be able to drive in Kampala. If you can drive in Kampala, then you can drive anywhere in the world. It has often been said that driving in Kampala is war, and in war, you never reveal your next move. For that reason, you must take everyone by surprise. If you are about to make a turn, first indicate to the wrong turn, confuse everyone, then make the right turn.
You must remember that as a driver, you are always right. Even when you are at fault, never admit. Everyone else is wrong and you are right. Our students must be taught about the hooting mechanisms, how to hoot to show frustration or to greet a friend, or to express gratitude. A great curriculum should prepare students for the drill of driving in Kampala.
The art of bribery; giving and asking
Survival is no mean feat. In Uganda, there is an impeccable skill that separates winners from losers. How many of our graduates have been educated in the art of asking for bribes. Perhaps, we could have a mandatory internship placement with the traffic police or the police in general.
Students will be schooled in the methods of seeking bribes. You talk about the need for drinking water, or stationery. Then, they can advance to the second module; how to slide a bribe into an officer’s hands undetected. This would help students get ahead much more than the Newtonian laws of motion.
Slayqueening is engineering in motion. It is being the Suzanna of Sauti Sol. One must engineer the eye lashes, and every other body part. There is a science to the make-up. A good make-up could win you the world. The gents will be lectured in the detection between the real and the imagined. We shall hire designers to give our students filtering lessons, on how to choose the best filter. Above all, the art of photo captioning. A caption is everything.
Broke and rich technology
A story is told of how the whole world had failed to find a proper definition of MC Kats. In an eureka of sorts, Professor A Pass bailed us out. MC Kats was described as ‘broke and rich’.
To make it in Uganda, one ought to study the broke and rich technology. We can hire Subaru drivers as lecturers for this course. A Subaru driver will be running his life on an empty wallet while putting up the impression that everything is under control.
Instead of discussing reasons for the death of the Bihogo cow, we should be constructing a Dust Mitigation Institute in Bulindo or Buwate. What better way to prepare our children for life? How for example does a Bulindo girl arrive fresh and clean for an evening dinner in Kololo? It all comes back to dust mitigation strategies.
Finally, we propose corporatism as part of the new curriculum. In the same way, we have taught people about communism, and capitalism, we need a new school of thought a.k.a corporatism. Corporatism is the art of appearing successful while earning a peanut salary; it is all about shooting above your reach. It involves showing up with a company ID in the middle of a night club, making sure everyone gets to see where you work.
Corporatism is about asking for complimentary tickets to events, getting to the event and acting like you bought your own ticket. Corporatism is about driving the company car and insisting on getting parking where none exists. Corporatism is about spending half of your salary on your rental apartment in Kiwatule. Corporatism is a lifestyle, and all our students ought to undertake this course unit.