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Locusts? No way; we are beyond prepared

INVASION: The locusts are here and instead of breaking into panic, how about we try and look at the brighter side of things; say, find a way to make this a thing on Instagram and what not?

Many Ugandans panicked when news broke out that the swam of locusts had finally penetrated Uganda. Of course, all these are Ugandans that have not been fed on a proper meal of ideology. Locusts are something that cannot even worry us. We have always been more than prepared to deal with them. For the first time, we reveal a plan that we drafted back then in 1986 to deal with the locusts.

Submission to the one and only Prophet Elvis Mbonye

By now, it should be obvious to every Ugandan that life starts and ends with the great prophet. When he is happy, he releases the rain. When the tithe does not come in as expected, he lets the sunshine into our pockets. And because we have a man who runs the embassy of earth to Heaven, why not trust him on these simple matters? In a blink of an eye, we could have no locust. All he ought to do is simply say a word and locusts can be sent to the Katuna border. Once we are done with sending locusts to the Katuna border, we can deploy them at the opposition rally as a substitute for tear gas.

Hire entomologists from Masaka

One thing we have built is internal capacity to deal with insects. We have invested in infrastructure to contain all species of insects. For example, we have those LED lights, we have the iron sheets and we have sacks to store all captured insects. It is these same methods that we shall paste in the fight against locusts. Our entomologists from Masaka and Kamwokya will be at hand to ensure the equipment is being operated in the best way possible.

Once the locusts have been collected, we can sell them as a substitute for grasshoppers. We can hire some influencers to market locusts as the next big thing after nsenene. First of all, they are curvier, so you get more value for money.

UPDF on standby

From the days when we fought battles at Kabamba, our resilient army has been winning all wars. We have been to Somalia, to South Sudan, now we shall be heading to Karamoja. Our snipers are always on target. We shall shoot out locusts one by one, until we shall have none left in the skies. You all know that anyone who dares attack Uganda will always face the wrath of UPDF. That has been our resolve from time to time.

Uganda anti-riot police

We need to treat locusts as an illegal assembly. First, they did not seek permission from police before holding a rally, their intentions are not clear. For all we know, this could be People Power supporters camouflaging as locusts. We shall start off with banning swarms of locusts. Once this is done, we shall call upon our anti-riot police to go full throttle on the locusts. Our teargas has been tried and tested over the years; it will leave no stone unturned in the fight against locusts.

Turn locusts into an Instagrammable feature

Eventually, everything in this country will come down to branding. It could be cheaper if we hired an agency in town and asked them to develop a perfect marketing campaign for our locusts. We can talk about the beauty they add to the skies. We can talk about the need to treat them as species that are nearly extinct. We can even organise a marathon to save our locusts from extinction. Even better, hire the best of slay queens to spearhead the #MyLocustsMyUganda campaign. Instead of using that famous snapchat flower, we could replace it with the locust. Then Eddy Kenzo will bless us with a hit song for our locusts and we shall begin trending on the global pages. If this too fails, we shall take a photo of Vanessa next to the locusts then crop her out. And of course, the rest will be history.

Organise a Locusts Festival

These days everything in this country has a festival. So why not a locusts’ festival? We have several music artistes that would kill for a moment to grace this big stage. We have Big Eye, we have Full Figure, Clever J, Kabako, to mention but a few. This festival will be hosted by Bettinah Tianah in the famous #ICantBreathe costume. To spice up the festival, we shall also have MC Kats giving out new cars and land titles.

A budget, A budget, A budget

But all this will not work without a budget. If we forget one thing about locusts, let’s not forget the need for a budget. We need the money in billions of shillings if we are to eliminate the locusts. We need money to pay the influencers, we need money to pay for the billboards and posters, we need money to procure high-tech equipment such as CCTV to monitor the movement of locusts. We even need money to organise the locusts’ festival. For that reason, we propose a special ministry of locusts and a presidential advisor on locust affairs.

If all these seven things are executed to plan, we shall not find a single locust slaying in the airspace of Uganda. The fight against locusts begins with you and I.

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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