To Top

Please guys, hope these things went with 2019

Let’s move on: So just like that 2019 is gone and here we are, sliding into a new decade. There are things that we saw last year and although they made for a good laugh and quite good conversations, we really wish they went with 2019. It is a new era let’s try and move on!

2020 is upon us. 2019 is gone. It is important that we kick off the new year with some rules of engagement. We have suffered at the hands of many people, their actions and ways. For a better 2020, and for a better decade, let’s agree to leave some things in 2019.

“Send this” chaps on WhatsApp
We all have that annoying friend. They never say a word to us on WhatsApp until such a time when you post a ‘lit’ status. Without any greeting, they simply comment with the words; “send this”. In this age of apps that are capable of doing anything, there is no reason why we should be having people with ‘send this’ requests. Save us the trouble and download apps that save status updates. We have better things to handle such as Big Eye’s protest against People Power.

Stigma against Subaru drivers
It is okay to accept that your car will never be as powerful as a Subaru. It is okay to accept defeat in life. There is no shame in picking inspiration. Come 2020, we should stop judging Subaru drivers or even hating on them. We can leave them to fly. If we feel so bothered, we could gazette special lanes on the road for subaru drivers. But this business of having Runx, Probox, Vitz and sachet car drivers hating on Subaru owners will not be tolerated in 2020.

Team filters
If you are a Ugandan man, you have surely gone through a filter disappointment. That moment when the person you are meeting is totally different from what they projected online. It has thus been proposed by the Uganda Boyfriends Association (UBA) that girls who look different from their Instagram photos should foot the date bills. In 2020, we have to be on original. 2020 is the year of accepting self, whether you are ‘say-car-dee’ or ‘ota-fire.’ It is original after original. In the same spirit, we propose 100 per cent tax increment on fake hair.

Cracked screen protectors
If you can afford a beer every Friday, you can surely afford a new phone screen protector. We know you are careless, we know you are broke, but save us from the eye sore that is cracked screens. If you cannot buy a new screen protector, feel free to communicate with a horn and a drum.

‘New Year, New Me’ brigade
There is a group of people that are drunk on self-help books. They have watched those motivational videos with moving background music. Just like it has been for the past 10 years, we know you are not going to be any different in 2020. There is no point scaring us with how you are cutting off fake people. There is no point telling us about your new year resolutions. They have not changed much the past decade. You can as well accept the fact that gym is not your thing. You can as well accept that you will not be saving any money. You can as well adopt Kenzonomics.

Half Munyarwanda
Every man has heard that lie. Every girl in Kampala has some Rwandan roots. It is some grand uncle of their grandmother’s cousin that happens to come from Rwanda. We ask that in 2020 every girl accepts their heritage the way Bulindo people accepted their struggles. If you come from Kiboga, be proud of it. Stop forcing roots that do not exist.

Stingy men
You’ve all heard the phrase; ‘omwavu wakufa’ , we can confirm that in 2020, stingy men will not have a place to hang. The Uganda Girlfriends Association (UGA) resolved that broke men do not deserve to be dating. If you have no money, what business do you have sliding in her inbox? Where do you even get that time? Use the time to work, and work until you can afford to fund your cravings. If you cannot pay for her Hawaiian hair in 2020, stay away from the dating industry.

Don Bahati
The business of cutting; ‘kechi’ and carrying bags full of clothes instead of money should not slide into 2020. In fact, we are banning South African ‘tycoons’ from throwing any party until further notice. December parties died with Don Ivan and it is time we swallowed that hard pill.

Arsenal fans
If it is not for wasting time and space, why should we continue broadcasting Arsenal games? Why should we even have Arsenal fans? Arsenal should be gazetted as one of the killer diseases. In fact, we should consider putting all Arsenal fans on suicide watch. But above all, why should Arsenal fans interact with other normal fans. Arsenal fans should be restricted to boda boda stages, washing bays and taxi conductors’ sacco meetings.

Network marketers
If your shoe has lost part of its sole, where do you get the courage to preach to us about becoming billionaires? If you’ve figured out a way to make money without working, please go ahead without indulging us. You can as well do the ‘Mbonye’ haircut but please do not interrupt our peace. We fought for this peace. Go sell your trips, your magical tablets and your magical coins. As for we and our houses, we shall not tolerate you.

If your English has not bought you a house, stop checking our English for errors. If your English has not gotten you a new car, then save us from your command of the queen’s language. At the end of the day, you are still a black man stuck somewhere in a third world country, preparing to reach to Umeme’s latest outage notice. But in case you feel a need to showcase your English, go write the next bestselling novel. I can assure you, we shall not buy it!

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

Leave a comment

More in Four One One