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Let’s talk salaries: How sad does it make you feel?

Bank accounts: Look around and among you are people who seem to be living it up month after month. They give the impression that they own fat bank accounts, but those are just a handful. Many might actually be surviving hand to mouth, others with a salary in negatives.

We are fresh into the new month; bars around town have been full. With Nyege Nyege already on, everyone’s salary is on full display. Despite all this, we know for sure, that not all salaries are created equal. Some salaries are more equal than others. Other salaries do not deserve to be termed as salaries in the first place. Let’s explore some kinds of salaries.

The 1986 salary

This is the kind of salary that keeps reminding you about the first time you received it. It always starts off with Museveni’s most loved statement:… “Back in 1986, when I was your first pay cheque”, then rambles on and on. It is a salary that has not changed fundamentally ever since you started working at this job. You have won long-term service awards, but this salary has just refused to grow. What is left is for you to explain its stunted growth with stories of how it was worse when you started off.

The FDC salary

Every time you have a performance review, this salary promises you that this is your year. It has taken a leaf from those Ugandan pastors and prophets who have a theme for every New Year. Unfortunately for this kind of salary, once the review is done, it still shows up the same. The boss will always assure you that there is an opening coming up that will see the salary undergo a revolution.

Rema salary

It is an awesome salary. It keeps begging you to appreciate it, to put in the right kind of hard work that matches its awesomeness. Then comes that day when it chooses to go. And then you will cry out, rant about being a “kaana ka mbata” and how it is trying to get you back to the streets. For those earning a Rema salary, it is time to be punctual at work and go the extra smile to prove that you appreciate it.

People power salary

Although this salary is strong and vibrant, it has many parasites waiting to get a share of it. You know the salary where everyone knows the actual payday. The wife knows the payday, the children know the payday, in-laws, relatives and all the side-dishes. The salary is popular with everyone. Only problem is they will be the first ones to disappear once the salary goes extinct.

Kenzo salary

This salary is already too low but its ambitions are too high. Most corporates earn this kind of salary. It is a salary that has undergone the Kenzonomics. You earn 800K, spend 700K but are still able to save 300K. It is the kind of salary where you survive the month and you are also shocked at your talent of making it through. This salary is a magical one, it requires a lot of faith to depend on it. Nonetheless, the corporates have practiced the Kenzonomics, they will show up and disturb Kampala on Friday, get a ka-loan on Monday and the cycle continues.

God’s plan salary

It is a salary that every other socialite earns by virtue of their status in society. You do not have to do much to earn this salary, just show up, twerk a bit and a Kampala Don will put you on a sponsorship package. This salary is dependent on the highs and lows of your sponsor, plus his or her mood swings. If the sponsor is not happy, the salary will not appear. If he cracks a great deal, then it is time to litter Instagram with inspiration hashtags.

Government salary

If you doubt that miracles exist, think twice. Guys on government salaries perform miracles every month. Government workers are some of the least paid people in Uganda, but they have done wonders all over this country. They are the biggest real estate investors. They drive the latest cars and they are the kings and queens of ‘dirtying’ tables at top hangout spots. But if you ever land on their payslip, you will collapse. You have to be in government to know how they perform these miracles.

Rental salary

This salary belongs to the landlady. The moment it lands on the account, everything goes to the landlady. Once the rent is off, what is left is what one can proudly call their salary. Here is the problem, there is literally nothing left. It is a salary that is too low, you cannot even afford to annoy your landlady lest she throws you out.

Full Figure salary

It is full, it roars, everyone can tell that indeed it is high enough for one to fly. It is the kind of salary that makes you develop a certain hot temper. The kind of salary that does not care about the price of things. Once you get this kind of salary, you begin to leave girls on blue ticks, they begin to fight for you. This salary may see one develop a poor sense of fashion. You keep looking for all ways of breaking rules just so that people can get a chance to know how much you earn.

Nina Roz salary

Okay, this is self-explanatory. It is a fair salary but the needs outweigh. The bills outweigh the salary. From the rent, the school dues, the fuel, everything is looking to get a piece of the pie. It is the salary where you work hard, earn highly but cannot show anything for it.

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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