Hallelujah: From the ones who call God ‘gad’ to those that will google Greek words to fake the speaking in tongues, pastors in Ugandan churches come in all forms. Is your pastor listed among these?
Pastors have been unveiled in different categories. To every man, God has granted a specific type of pastor. Your pastor is not my pastor, my pastor is not her pastor. Yet they are all made similar by certain characteristics. If you find your pastor among those mentioned below, do not panic, you are in the right place, you are not alone.
The funky, flamboyant aka fresh and clean
They are not your usual type of pastors, there is a perfection that goes into everything they do. You will not find them rebounding a suit. They probably have a team of make-up specialists to ensure they are having that ‘pastor’ look. They have a whole dedicated team managing their social media accounts. Once in a while, you will bump into them working out at a gym. These pastors are tech-savvy. It has been long since they last held a hard-copy version of the Bible. They prefer the one that comes loaded on their iPad. Be certain they will drive the latest car and hold the latest phone. Well, all this praise and honour goes back to the Almighty. And just in case you forget, they always have a team of smartly-dressed bouncers ready to intercept those that may attack the man of God.
The Greek mythologists, the Glossolalia experts
You may pride yourself in the knowledge of Greek philosophy, quoting Socrates, Plato and Aristotle, until you bump into these greek pastors. Straight from their ministries and fellowships, to their sermons, there is always a Greek aspect to everything they do. If you are a newcomer to their church, you will be completely confused about what is happening. Everything here will be delivered through tongues and through Greek interpretations. In these churches, when the Apostle is preaching about wisdom, aka ‘Sophia’, you must be able to know which type of wisdom. Is it epignosis, or ginosko?
By the end of your first month in this church, you should be able to speak in tongues, otherwise, you will not be able to keep up with the pace. It is either you get grounded in the Greek language or you pull up your socks in the tongues arena.
These belong in their own category because they hold this nation together. There would be no Uganda without these Prophets keeping watch over us day and night. If they decide, Fresh Kid can bring Uganda’s first Grammy award. They appoint ministers, they even appoint presidents. They knew I was going to write about them, and they knew in advance all the details, the positions of the commas and the full stops.
Think of anything in your life, past, present and future, the prophets have seen it all. Prophets do not do things the common man’s way. Even when they are administering healing, they do it differently. Sometimes, they could stamp in your request, or they could request you to bring a point of contact. Their healing comes in style. If you are looking for a job, all you have to do is show up with your job application before you deliver it. One thing is certain, the prophet’s word is final.
The Bullion vans
Be wary of this type, they will drain your wallets faster than a slay queen. They have mastered one particular verse in the Bible, Malachi 3:10: “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house…” Everything in this church is named after a seed. There is a visa seed. There is a marriage seed for single ladies and men. All you have to do is sow your seed and watch the goodness of the Lord. They are unapologetic about wealth. Worse still, they always have some church merchandise on sale. It could be the anointed toothpicks or anointed t-shirts. In fact, they have made it a sin for their followers to be poor. Commit all the other sins but be not poor.
The repeat after me aka Tell your neighbour
If you have been to a music concert where you are asked to sing along, then there is a version of these in churches. You must go for their church service ready to break a sweat. It often starts off with reading the Bible verses together. He will tell you to pause in the middle, then ask you to read again. Afterwards, an instruction to clap your hands will come through. If you hated to fill in missing words in primary, you will have to callous your brain. Every time, they are asking you to fill in the missing word at the end of their sentences. Then finally the action will drop: “Brother, Sister, touch your neighbour, shake your neighbour, tell them, ‘this year, is my year’.” Laziness is not tolerated in these churches, you must be comfortable jumping, dancing and shouting as long as you are still a member.
They will not come onto the pulpit until their special song is played. Before the sermon begins, they will lead the song. Towards the end of the sermon, another song will come on, sometimes, it will be worship instrumental playing in the background.
Music runs through their veins, they will use every available chance to sing. When they are very fired up, they will also exhibit their ability to sing in tongues. You never want to miss a moment with the musician pastors. It is never a dull day in there.
The actors, aka animators
This is the final group of pastors. There is a high chance, every pastor falls in this category. They will illustrate everything with an action. If they talk of Jesus walking into Nazareth, you will see them walking into the church Nazareth. They will give you an air of confidence as they preach, for you will see everything in action. These pastors are also armed with stories of their conquests and of their childhood. They have a story for everything and are a library of all quotes from around the world.