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Four One One

How to be Justice Steven Kavuma

ORDER: This is Justive Steven Kavuma’s catchword. The judge will probably wake up any time in his sleep with this word on his lips. He recently came under fire from the Speaker of Parliament when he ordered a stop to a debate on the Shs6b cash bonanza.

Justice Steven Kavuma is currently the most hated man because of his knack for ordering people around. He ordered parliamentarians to shut up about the Shs6b cash bounty that the President gave to government officials as a reward for winning an oil case. As if dealing with a bunch of high school students, he tried to bully them out of poking their noses where they did not belong. Reminds me of the prefects back in high school who thought they were superior to everyone else. They walked around with a swagger, wore sleek uniforms, only to return to the same dorms we slept and visit the same toilets everyone did. Loool what an own goal! Rebecca Kadaga and her MPs feel they have been gagged by the Deputy Chief Justice and their constitutional mandate has been removed from them. You can trust high school students to revolt against any decision that comes from a student in a ‘suit’. For Justice Kavuma, it is business as usual. The experienced judge can now call ‘controversial’ his middle name because most of his decisions make you go like… “What was he thinking?” With retirement knocking at his door, Justice Kavuma decided that he was actually four years younger than his official age. Like dude, seriously? This guy is special. Anyway, to be like Justice Steven Kavuma, here is your one-stop manual.

Age is just a number…less than four
Dinosaurs are sorely missed and that is why all those Jurassic movies keep being made. A dinosaur in this day and age is golden. Justice Kavuma won’t go anywhere. Age is just a number. The older you get, the wiser you become, so we are told. In fact those celebrating his once impending retirement can forget. The age on his birth certificate was a lie. It was tampered with so many years ago. Something he only realised last year. If you want him out of office, you will have to drag him out. Justice Kavuma must have caught the Desire Luzinda syndrome, where you dictate your age. For now, Justice Kavuma is living four years in the past and is about to see out more years on his contract. Worried that these young swaggerific chaps are out for your job? The Nasser Road help line is open and willing to help you adjust a few documents. Cut your years and save a career… Nontso?
Keep law and…ORDER!
Justice Steven Kavuma lives by court orders the way a pastor lives by the gospel. When you wake Justice Kavuma out of a slumber, chances are that he will greet you with a court order rather than a courteous “Good morning”. He dishes them out the way the Rich Gang dish out illicit monies. Chances are that if clergy men emptied Holy Communion bags with Kavuma in attendance, a court order would suffice. Court orders have become principle for him. It doesn’t matter who he gives them to, how they are processed, they will eventually drop. Unexpectedly though, he dropped another order to parliament to stop investigations into the Shs6b cash frenzy. Rebecca Kadaga termed the order ‘stupid’. Yes, the word is stupid. But madame Becky Kadaga, you talk ‘badly’.
To be like our buddy Stevo, always call the shots or assume to do so. Be the boss with the oversize suits who likes throwing his weight around. The kind who writes an order to bar his subordinates from talking, breathing or even sneezing. Whatever you do, Stevo is definitely watching.

Be random
We all have that one friend who is always random. For Uncle Stevo, there is no waiting for invites. He is coming for your party “kamambayambaya”. And he doesn’t normally come bearing gifts. Justice Kavuma would be the guy to storm your wedding and carry your speakers without a whim of remorse. Hmm, oba who gives him those directives? To be like Justice Kavuma, do as you please when you please. You should live to experience a cheer fade into silence. Bambi Lord Mayor Erias Lukwago must have polite beef for Justice Kavuma after he once ordered him to leave the office he had just occupied some time back. If you are a groom at the altar who is planning to declare his vows to his partner, you might want to say them faster. Uncle Stevo might just walk in and you know what that means.
Well there you have it. Go ahead and be like Justice Steven Kavuma.


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