I guess none of you saw this coming. José Mourinho of all people? Yes, that one. The “Special One” like he is commonly known. Unless you have been staying under a rock, Jose Mourinho is Manchester United’s current manager. It has been a tough couple of months for the club and him in general. After starting the season brightly with a few wins, they are now struggling in the league and Mourinho has been crucified by the media for the club’s poor form (Check some Arsenal fan reading this with a smile, mscheww!)
Mourinho was ‘special’, that’s for sure. He got average teams and lifted them to glory. He made average players feel invincible. You know how chicks in Kampala feel empowered by those “you’re beautiful” comments on Instagram. The way they want to step on everyone’s toes. Well, Mourinho’s teams stepped on your head, toes, everything basically. He was so passionate about the game that he would celebrate goals like a mad man and find himself in some kind of controversy. He insulted referees, mocked rival coaches, made some of the most ridiculous comments during interviews. He used to be quite arrogant but lately, the team’s mediocre results seem to have humbled him. At least he can still afford to kick a few water bottles in frustration and park a few buses. Some people kinda miss the old him.
To be like the fiery Jose Mourinho, here is your guide:
‘Park A Bus’
Mourinho has taught us over the years that you can ‘park a bus’ anywhere in the world, even in your backyard and still walk away with victory. And I do not mean bringing Global coaches to sit in your compound. Jeez! We are sure they would not fit anyway. Don’t you know how hot chicks like to get their not-so-attractive friends to shield them from guys trying to hit on them? Imagine that you are planning to launch an ‘attack’ on this hot kyana only to be stopped by her mean friends. They simply stare at you like a bunch of pit bulls and before you know it, you are running for your life.
To be like Jose Mourinho, forget playing pretty. When you default on rent, don’t hide. Simply lock your landlord out of his own house. That’s how you win in life.
Jose Mourinho has a siamese relationship with controversy. The guy has been fined oba how many times. He speaks his mind half the time and this has gotten him in trouble with authorities. He hates referees and always has a few things to say about them. He once called some manager a “specialist in failure”. “I think this is ‘short people-syndrome’. Short chaps are always looking for validation. They’ll be up in your nostrils starting trouble”.
If you ever want to be like Jose Mourinho, revise your crime track record. If you’ve been clean for many years, it’s time to think long hard about your choices. Start up something. Insult a police officer. Do anything as long as you are a nuisance at it.
Be passionate (kamambayambaya………)
Jose Mourinho loves football. He is ready to look like a fool for what he loves. They have called him all sorts of names but he turns up for work. Of course one will say he earns millions of pounds for what he does but imagine being called an idiot, psychotic every time you show up at work. The pressure, the stares, and the doubt! Some of you chaps throw in the towel at your workplaces after a few “tumbavus” are thrown your way. A football managerial job is a hell-hole. It takes passion to stay at some of these jobs.
To be like Jose Mourinho, you will have to love what you do. You should love it enough to make it against all odds. Rise above the doubt of your fat supervisor or the negative vibes of your workmates. If you are at school, love what you are studying and ignore any pitfalls. Be your own gaddam fan. They will look at you funny, put things in your drinks but you will still be the best at what you do and there is nothing much they can do about it.
Well there you have it. Be like Portuguese legendary coach Jose Mourinho.