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Four One One

How to be Mr Kato Lubwama


NO PAPERS, NO PROBLEM: He feels he has arrived, what with posting photos of him rocking mocassins on the streets of Dubai. Kato Lubwama may have left his job as a comedian but clearly it runs in his veins. I mean, who has the audacity to say they are actually in parliament to ‘eat money’? Mnnnh! Well, with his academic qualifications being contested in court, Lubwama might just slide back to theatre.

I honestly do not know how we let this happen. To imagine that Kato Lubwama could hoodwink his entire village into voting him as member of Parliament is simply stuff of ‘juju’. It is inexplicable. These Lubaga South people took the joke too far. You simply do not go from Ken Lukyamuzi to Kato Lubwama. A joke that lasts this long simply becomes a mockery. Kato Lubwama has mocked everything about us, our values, our education system and our mental infrastructure. It is because of this that he can afford to wear those well-knitted suits, enjoy the AC in his Toyota Land Cruiser and laugh at the ‘fools’ who voted him in.
Kato Lubwama must be amused too by his own rise to the helm. Who knew a guy from such humble beginnings could strip off clown costumes to those legit suits as he represents his people in parliament? Like a sharp guy, he has held the opportunity with both hands, ‘no sleeping on jobo’ Forget the Kato Lubwama of sorry ashy knees ,this one is more polished. Guy now takes strolls on streets in the US, donning designer shorts and suede moccasins.
This new found fortune has robbed him of all humility. He throws his weight around (pun-intended), makes careless comments in the media and is fast to remind anyone of how he came to Parliament to ‘eat’, without shame. He is a bad side-effect of a flawed electoral system. Wait; did I hear that he has no academic papers to qualify to sit in Parliament? Let’s wait and see how that pans out. If you find him admirable (visit a psychiatrist near you by the way), here is how you can be like him.

‘Swallow your pride’
I mean this literally. Swallow and choke on the illusion that you are God’s answer to humanity. Believe you are some sort of sex symbol. I am sure Kato Lubwama now believes that he can be a Calvin Klein underwear model. He is choking on false confidence like some of you would choke on steak. He carries himself like a Prince in Abu Dhabi or like one of those showy Kikuubo tycoons.
To be like Kato Lubwama, you will need one of those extra-ordinary turning points in your life first. You can’t be on that struggle life and afford to brush your people aside. Make it out of the gutters and show them who is boss. You wouldn’t imagine that Kato Lubwama is the same guy who used to make a fool of himself on stage. He now looks through the tinted windows of his car like a James Bond of sorts and probably thinks to himself, “what a bunch of fools!” Guy does not want to know you folks. “Yaja kukola,” loosely translated into “I came to work”.

No papers, no problem……for now
Kato Lubwama’s S.4 pass-slip had the most number of F9s ever littered on a paper. Jeeeeez!
Like seriously, I thought it was a joke and I still hope it is. Things smashed him but who cares? Guy is now an MP, at least for now. He joked his way into school and made an even bigger joke out of us by getting elected Member of Parliament, Rubaga South.Clearly, he is the smart one.
To be like Kato Lubwama, tuck away any academic papers and just survive on street shrewdness. You just never know where you might end up.

‘Though Shall Not Sleep On the job’
Open your eyes please. You did not suffer that long to play blind to what the Lord is offering you. Do not get too attached to the rats back at your muzigo in Kabuusu and warm up to the skyline in Muyenga. God has answered your prayers finally, so seize the moment.
Kato Lubwama was likely living a miserable life before he became MP but is now living a life worthy of a king, away from rodents and communal toilets. Clean up your wardrobe, blow that per diem on expensive trips. Fly business class; hog those allowances to their last. Hang with the rich and famous.
Maximise the blessings and comfort that comes with your job. Stretch those legs in a Land Cruiser V8. Erase any memory of a poor upbringing back in the remote Kyabashebe Village. Buy those suede Gucci moccasins and pose on a street in Dubai. Milk the crap out of the job and leave. No apologies, nothing.
There you go. Go ahead and be like Hon. Kato Lubwama

Twitter: @spoiltbrat
DISCLAIMER :  This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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