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How to be ‘ragga god’ Ziza Bafana


Musical Gibberish. He was one half the Back to Life, the other being Yiya Mose. He has forged a solo career, releasing chart topping songs such as Pomini, Tuli Majje among others. Follow Ian Ford Nkera’s simple tips to be like Ziza Bafana.

Imagine sending your son to the best schools in the land to polish him for the future. You even give him the best things money can buy with hope that he can walk the corridors of power. That he can look sharp in a Gucci suit and stand before Parliament to argue out stuff.
Imagine that same son choosing another path altogether. That of partial insanity. The kind to kill everyone’s brain cells and send them into temporary paralysis.
The one son you had hope in attempting to erase all humanity with a dancehall song as meaningless as “Pomini” What?? You read right. Pomini! You can shoot yourself now.
It’s not even some expired drug on the market. It’s whatever Ziza Bafana thinks it is. What has made all this even more bizarre is the people who are mad about his music, even without getting a single word.
This guy could be singing in Greek and we would never have a clue. Singing along to his music can get you admitted to Butabika Hospital, I swear.
This madness has unsurprisingly made him one of the top dancehall acts in Uganda right now because we are also a bunch of mad music lovers. If you have ever thought of singing in Greek, Ziza Bafana’s music could teach you. To be like the self-proclaimed dancehall god, here is your manual:

“Bxcabxfatrsvzhal Tuli Majje”
Maybe we shouldn’t bother trying to be understood. What’s the point honestly? People will still make out what they want to understand. As long as what you are saying makes sense to you, who cares? Start your own language. Pick vowels from bird sounds and animal farts then you are good to go.
Put this into a song and talk to yourself. Watch everyone fidget with lyrics and laugh profusely. Laugh again as they dance to a song that could have been born out of a bad cough. To be like Ziza Bafana, always carry your Butabika gate-pass in your pockets. That madness can’t survive on these streets. They will carry you away, no jokes. To be like Ziza Bafana, drown in booze and hear what magic comes out of your mouth soon after.

Fight with elders
A baby who sings in gibberish fighting with adults is plain blasphemy. It’s laughable. This Ziza Bafana chap thinks he is too big now. A few songs in broken Latin have given him the illusion that he is the riyo deal.
He has belittled Bebe Cool and called himself the “god of ragga.” He sure loves to pick a fight with whomever. Yes, that lanky chap likes to get his bones checked. But riyale, the “god” of ragga? Some of our artistes can force.
To be like Ziza Bafana, you will have to fight anyone or anything. Old or young, just kick. Obviously many people will question your morals but it can’t be anyone’s business. Be the worst side effect of early success ever seen.
Remind everyone of what success can do when not prepared for. Be the black sheep of the family. You know those guys who won’t be shy to send their fathers crashing on the floor with a right hook.
Don’t be shy to attempt to send the guy into retirement.

Be a no-show
Ziza Bafana cancelled his concert last year at the last minute. His fans expected a massive show but the dancehall singer bailed out. Flimsy reasons were thrown around with none of them actually holding water. He is known for being a no-show. To be like Ziza Bafana, take the high road. Don’t wait for trouble. Dude, simply don’t show up. If you are a groom with cold feet, call in sick or feign a heart attack. Your fears could be true. Your future wife could be a man and then what? Do you want to live the rest of your life regretting? Being like Ziza Bafana will require you to the biggest coward out there and we all know these cowards outlive just about anyone out there. The guy is gonna be in the industry for a while.
There you go.
Go ahead and be like Ziza Bafana.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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