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How to be… the bitter Man Utd fans

The red devils. Watching Man U every weekend will make you look older than you actually look and will make you visit your doctor more regularly. These days you can trace bitterness in an X-ray scan of a Man Utd fan… Ian Ford Nkera’s words.
Manchester United Football Club is going through a slow but painful transition. Forget the transition former presidential candidate Amama Mbabazi cried about in his campaigns. I am talking about the kind of transition where things have to go to the worst before they can improve.
The old Manchester United managed by the legendary Alex Ferguson conquered England and Europe before eventually earning them so many fans here in Uganda. The Man U fans were the sane ones. They had so much to look forward to on the weekends and it was easy to see why they looked happy every weekend.
The dominance of their team reflected on their fans and oh boy, these chaps were always in buoyant mood. Weekends were painted red with fans clad in personalised jerseys but things seem to have changed ever since the long-necked Louis Van Gaal took charge of the club’s management.
The club now seems to be in a long distance relationship with trophies and all that the fans are left with are memories of the good old days and dull weekends. If you have watched Man U play recently, I am sure you will admit that the quality of football is not too different from clubs that play in Masaza Cup Competitions.
The devoted Man U fans are constantly a butt of jokes every weekend and you wonder when all this will end. If you want to be like our Man Utd fans, here you go:

Be ready to adjust
Life has its shocks and you must be ready to adjust to what life brings you. Do not think that life will always be rosy. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade juice and do not complain. Man U fans used to enjoy watching their team in epic clashes with the very best during the Champions League but have now been humbled to the lowly Europa League.
Do not lose your job and also your senses as you try to keep up appearances at high end bars like Riders. That place has ceased to be your target market so embrace that fact. Life can bring you from the hills of Muyenga to the trenches of Kasokoso real quick so be ready to have your bags packed at all times. Even if it means parking your car because you have hit a rough patch, do it. Allow an Arsenal fan to ride you on his boda boda once in a while. Do not worry, no situation is permanent.

Be bitter about everything
Man U fans have become too bitter and you can’t blame them at all. The state of affairs at Manchester United cannot allow you just one day of happiness. There is a stubborn man in the mould of Van Gaal who would make your annoying boss at work look more desirable and tolerable. As Man U fans are staring a loss in the face, the irritable Van Gaal will be jotting down God-knows-what in his notebook, looking so unbothered.
To be like a Man U fan and ooze bitterness, just simply catch a Man U game. There is so much content to make you miss church on a Sunday, deny paternal responsibility or stare at your wife in the most disgusting way. Man U fans do not leave money for food at home anymore. Watching Man U every weekend will make you look older than you actually look and will make you visit your doctor more regularly. These days you can trace bitterness in an X-ray scan of a Man Utd fan. These guys are simply tired.

History beckons
Man U fans don’t have much to celebrate these days so they will quickly refer you to history. Statements like you “remember the days of” will be heard from many legions of Man U fans. They will constantly remind you of the days Wayne Rooney used to bang in the goals and convince you that one day he will come good. Man U fans live on memory lane.
To be like the Man U fans, be like the guys who are always reminding their girlfriends of the stuff they did for them in the past. The ‘half-petty’ you bought for her on her last birthday is in the past. Move on to something else. Some guys will do something for you and make sure to always remind you as if you ever forgot. Man U fans are always looking for history these days, so don’t be surprised if they end up with their exes.
To all Man U Fans, our prayers are with you. Did I mention I was a Man U fan? I could have just shot myself in the foot. LOL
Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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