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How to be: … the untrusted Electoral Commission


Poll things: With the petition to contest the presidential results, the team at the Electoral Commission must be having sleepless nights. Their integrity has never come into question more than it did in this year’s polls. Ian Ford Nkera guides on how to be like the Electoral Commission.

The Electoral Commission (EC) has been under fire over its role in overseeing one of the most criticised elections ever held in Uganda. Many candidates who stood for various positions have been voicing their displeasure of how the EC handled the elections and even international media houses have gone on to highlight the flaws in the electoral system.
Prior to this, the 2016 polls were highly billed to be one of the defining moments in Uganda’s political history but fell short because of a few hitches by the electoral body. Voting materials arrived suspiciously late in many polling stations around Kampala, prompting many people to sense foul play.
Also, many cases of stuffed ballots boxes, pre-ticked ballots, questionable tallying methods were echoed around the country, which has left the image of the electoral body badly tainted. If you want to be like the untrusted Electoral Commission, here is your guide:

Play blind
The Electoral Commission decided to announce final results without tallying results from at least 1,700 polling stations in Kampala. Well, these stations did not mean much to the Electoral Commission so to speak. The best thing was to ignore the fact that they ever participated in the process. If you want to be like the EC, you must learn to choose what to show the public and what to hide.
We all know that one friend who won’t introduce his girlfriend to his friends because of one reason or another. You find a guy terrified of being seen with his chick. The dude tells the chick to board a taxi and promises to find her at some destination. If his babe holds his hand in public, the guy can easily get a cardiac arrest. Boss, what are you hiding? If you intend to be like the Electoral Commission, you should always leave room for mystery.

Numbers are the devil
If you want to be like the EC, numbers are simply a lie and you should not go by them. In some polling stations, returning officers were allegedly too lazy to tally the votes and decided to declare results based on intuition. Did I hear someone say Omoro County? There were reports that Deputy Speaker Jacob Oulanyah was announced the winner of the MP race with no indication of how many votes each candidate garnered.
If you want to be like the Electoral Commission, shy away from anything that suggests you bring numbers forward. Kindly be that woman who has been 25 years of age for the last decade and is not shy to declare it to everyone that cares to listen.
If you are always calling in sick when internal audits are done at your workplace, you are definitely following the manual quite well. To be like the Electoral Commission, be the guy always running to Nasser Road to print his own receipts just in case his supervisor starts sniffing around his desk for accountability. Be selfish with your figures. They are only for you to know and no one else.

Be strategic
To be like the Electoral Commission, you must be the shrewd guy who knows how to get his way around this city. It helps if you went to schools like St Mary’s Kitende that help you to gauge what is ahead. Going through this school makes you have a concrete look into the future without much hustle.
The EC tactfully delivered voting materials to different polling stations many hours after the official voting time. Haters will call this rigging, but they were only playing their cards right and guarding their interests. If you want to be like the Electoral Commission, delay the day you want to propose to her.
Do not be too eager to sign your life imprisonment sentence that quickly before you figure out what kind of person she is. You cannot afford to give her victory so easily. Be patient and calculative.
To be like the Electoral Commission, be smart enough to know that you cannot betray your ‘boss’ at any time. Anyone who stands against him is your enemy so work your butts off to make him look good.
So there you go. Be like the Electoral Commission.

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