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How to be the hopeful Arsenal fans


The gunners. They will make the loudest noise, but deep down they would never turn their backs on their team. Even after years with no victories to show off, an Arsenal fan will not give up hope because they believe good things will come someday. Ian Ford Nkera knows them better.

If you ever feel like all hope is lost in this life, remember there is an Arsenal fan out there. They live and bank on tomorrow. No storm or lightning can shake the spirit of a person who supports Arsenal. That one I can assure you. They have seen their team promise so much yet deliver little for the past decade, but somehow their fire never dims.
It has been season after season of heartache punctuated by Arsene Wenger’s (the manager of the club), reluctance to spend, crappy tactics and the false illusion that their top striker Olivier Giroud will ever come good. They wake up to the painful reality that Arsene Wenger has stuck to his guns and won’t throw in the towel, and then the severity of heartache gets worse. It is a painful ordeal becoming or even staying an Arsenal fan.
Imagine your weekends starting with so much positive energy and when you dash to your local bar to watch your favourite soccer club, your heart starts to bleed there and then. Walcott is always the same, running like some headless chicken with no direction, Mertesacker turning into a disabled tortoise and Giroud looking more lost with each passing game. But even after all this, Arsenal fans will defend their club with their famous line, ‘Ffe tuli bakawoowo’ meaning that their team plays with flair, titles notwithstanding.
This season has been forgettable for them but you will still find an Arsenal fan somewhere in Mutundwe beaming with hope and he will still tell you that, “season ejja yaffe” loosely translated as, “Next season is ours”. Well, if you want to be like an Arsenal fan, here is your guide:

Shout and Shout
Arsenal fans have the biggest, if not the loudest mouths. The chaps are just not trained to shut up. They will talk and talk. If you doubt me, ask your boda boda guy what he supports and you will tell me. Boda chaps have too many words, I tell you. An Arsenal chap will decorate your ears with all the nonsense about Ozil’s brilliance, you will want to throw up. These chaps will suffocate you with all the statistics about their team but crawl back into hiding when they are beaten. Oh Arsenal fans can make noise!
To be an Arsenal fan, you must have a Public Address System for a mouth. Notice that guys who made kavuyo with their noise back in school were all Arsenal fans? Don’t be shocked if the guy who talks a lot in a bar without buying drinks is an Arsenal fan. That is what they live for. To be an Arsenal fan and stand out with your voice, take up opportunities as a family party MC or as a street preacher. You will thrive. Remember, internships at a boda stage or taxi park could be helpful.

Blame everyone
Arsenal fans have mastered the art of throwing blame around for their team’s failures. They cannot allow that their team was simply not good enough before the game and will create all sorts of flimsy excuses for a loss.
When Giroud doesn’t play, the loss will be heaped on his failure to play and when he does play, they will still blame him for the loss. They can even blame Welbeck’s hairstyle for having cost them the game.
To be an Arsenal fan, the referee is the enemy. When a referee smiles at an opponent, Arsenal fans will jump up in arms blaming the referee for bias. To be a dotting Arsenal fan, excuses must be a part of you. If you are the kind who is always blaming everyone for your failures at work, your relationships, you are an Arsenal fan by default. These guys just won’t swallow defeat. A typical Arsenal fan is the type who constantly blames his woman for not conceiving, forgetting he could be the problem.

Victory is coming soon
Arsenal fans don’t lose hope. For almost a decade, their team has flattered, with no league title to show, but the Arsenal fans have remained hopeful. Two FA Cup titles during that time have distracted their fans from what the club should be really fighting for, but the facts still remain that Arsenal hasn’t won the Premier League in 12 years. Ohh Lord! How do Arsenal fans do it?
It is miraculous how people can stick to a club that has delivered nothing but mediocrity. Some believe Arsene Wenger is still the man to restore the glory days, but that is just misguided, right? Arsenal fans are the best people to employ because they will understand when salary delays.
To an Arsenal fan, patience is a virtue so make sure you learn this. These chaps believe the happy days are in the future. An Arsenal fan will promise to marry a chick but rarely deliver on those promises. Never make a mistake to lend an Arsenal fan money because you might never see it again.
So there you go. Feel free and be like an Arsenal fan.

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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