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How to be… the not sorry Stella Nyanzi

Saying it as it is. She is too blunt with her words and almost everything she says is sexualised. That is Stella Nyanzi for you and she is one Facebooker you will love to hate. Did we say she is a Makerere professor? Well, Ian Ford Nkera guides on how to be like her.
I would be damned if I said I care about anything that is posted on Facebook. The once exciting social media platform whose core function was to connect people from all walks of life has now paved way for a certain sect of people whose life’s sole purpose is to have opinion. They feel the undying urge to comment on anything and have opinions about everything. Of course, many of them have been tolerable and also largely forgettable. I mean it is just Facebook. No one cares.
However, there is a Makerere professor, Dr Stella Nyanzi, whose Facebook posts have caused quite the storm for being “too careless”, “morally corrosive” and “age-restrictive”. She is not apologetic though. Dr Nyanzi has maintained her brand of verbal arson in attacking the government on Facebook and practically anything that unsettles her.
Her long, angry Facebook posts are laced with a lot of sexualism and portray a woman who probably never got too much love growing up. If you want to be like Dr Stella Nyanzi, here is your guide:

Say it as it is
Dr Nyanzi does not mince words. She will call out anyone or voice out anything that displeases her without any trace of shame or fear in her little diary, Facebook. She is the type who will let her whole Facebook world know she had genital warts even before her doctor gets to know. She is as candid as she is disgusting at times, even though she will not be bothered too much by what anyone thinks.
Thankfully, many Kampala babes are so busy broadcasting their lives on Facebook, so that is a plus if you intend to be like Dr Nyanzi.
To be like the professor, you must give a full account of your life on social media. For example, the number of guys you have slept with and their performance reports. Many babes would not find a problem with this, but ask them for the father of their outcast children and they will look at you ‘angazi’.
Whatever you do, say the truth to the world. Fear not to tell the world why your child has a striking resemblance with your driver.

Too empowered for anyone’s liking
This 40-something-year-old woman is quite well read. She is a medical anthropologist with a PhD from the University of London and has authored a host of papers on sexuality, reproductive health, youth and other areas. I guess it is this background that has made her the feminist everyone hates and the highly-sexualised woman that people read about in her posts.
We have a few like her, although not as outspoken. You all know the kind of women who get a ka Masters Degree and want to step on their husbands toes. Rebelling at home, in their offices, and practically everywhere.
To be like Dr Nyanzi, plant thoughts in your head, that because you are well read, everyone owes a certain allegiance and respect to you. Apparently because you carry a title before your name, every man should be kissing your toes. Hahahaha.
A Nobel Peace Prize goes out to all men who are confident enough to say they can tame such a woman. Just a random question. Is there a special place in hell for feminists? They are everywhere and too intoxicated on the empowerment they have been given.

Love yourself… a little too much
If you have read Dr Stella Nyanzi’s Facebook posts, I am sure she has given you a graphic illustration of her privates to visualise about. More often than not, the descriptions do not sit too well in the mind. Her detailed illustrations of her body say a lot.
The only thing admirable about her body tell-all stories is that she loves her body. If your love handles boast a radius length that would make tyres of a Tata lorry die in envy, my friend, not all love is lost. Learn to appreciate your body, however, unappealing it may look when you stand in front of the mirror. Do not look at yourself like a KFC bucket of chicken, but rather marvel at your body as a temple to be glorified.
Your gravitated breasts should not be a cause for alarm. You should love them even if they are staring in the unfancied South West direction. Who needs upright mammaries when all they do is bring all sorts of unwanted attention?
To be like Dr Stella Nyanzi, embrace all corners and contours of imperfection.

Flee from menopause
Dr Stella Nyanzi’s life manual dictates that you should not allow menopause to grab you by the neck. While your average 40-year-old woman is succumbing to the dreaded menopause season, this professor is not allowing to go down. She is hanging onto every last straw of sexualism in a bid to save herself from a life sentence in the menopause gallows.
To be like Dr Nyanzi, ooze every inch of sexiness, however, faded it is. Wear your stretch marks with valour and scream at ‘menopause’ to leave you the hell alone.
Well, there you have it. Go ahead and be like Dr Stella Nyanzi.
This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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