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How to be …Barnabas Tinkasimire

Vocal:  To be like this Member of Parliament, shutting up is not an option and your words must rub the establishment the wrong way, writes  Ian Ford Nkera.

The Backstreet Boys ensemble of Barnabas Tinkasimire,Theodore Sekikubo,Wilfred Niwagaba and Mohammed Nsereko have for long chorused a song of dissatisfaction with their parent party of National Resistance Movement(NRM). The lead vocalist Tinkasiimire has always hit the high notes, stressing how NRM’s leadership has continuously failed the country and it wasn’t long before they were all kicked out of the party.
Tinkasimire is undoubtedly one of the most controversial political figures we have around today. The Buyaga MP likes to speak his mind and it’s this trait that has made him the most suitable candidate for any jail cell or courtroom all year round. It’s quite surprising how a man with a tongue so venomous could woo three women to become his wives, his newest marriage being confirmed two weeks ago to a one Sandra Tusiime. There must be something these ladies see that we don’t. If you ever wanted to be like the dimunitive MP, here is your guide.

Strong character
Despite his innumerable flaws, Barnabas Tinkasimire is a very strong character who never compromises on certain principles. Yes people, the great Tinkasimire has positives too. Hate him or love him, this Mukiga listens to no one on sensitive issues like corruption and bad leadership. He has been appointed on various parliamentary committees to probe suspected government ‘thieves’. If you want to be like Barnabas Tinkasimire, you must be ready to unleash the ‘Mukiga’ in you and speak out your mind on any vice you see around. Term limits or no term limits, the administrative body of the many WhatsApp groups should change and these thoughts should be voiced to everyone. No one should overstay as an admin of a certain WhatsApp group and if they refuse to leave peacefully, they should be forced out. Basic principles from Tinkasimire’s life.

Barnabas the Cantankerous
Tinkasimire is the godfather of chaos. There is simply no harmony when Tinkasimire is in an area. He has a penchant to irritate, provoke and incite anyone or anything in his path with his candid style of speech. His level of outspokenness hasn’t done him many favours as he has continuously clashed with many fellow MPs most notably Musa Ecweru. As much as Tinkasimire sets the bar high with his antics, it’s quite possible to be like him. Simply look for harmony and disrupt it. It’s more likely that people of Tinkasimire’s pint-sized nature are looked down upon so if you seem to be vertically challenged like he possibly is, you should use this as motivation to drive you. Erupt in anger for every small issue at the office and attack everyone from your boss to the cleaner. Obviously, people might ignore you as the short noisy man at the office but persist and make everyone’s life a nightmare.

Exam mal-practitioner
In 2009, Barnabas Tinkasimire was expelled from the Islamic University  In Uganda for exam malpractice. He was pursuing a Law Degree at the time. It’s alleged that he was found with ‘summaries’ (foreign material) stuffed in his socks during an exam and was quickly shown the exit. To be like Tinkasimire, you  must constantly remind yourself that you are not stupid but that desperate times call for desperate measures. While authorities might call it cheating, you can call it Improvised Exam Guerilla Tactics. It is not your fault that you remember nothing in the course unit you have spent a whole semester studying so feel free to carry your fat ‘baby’(foreign material) to the exam room. Boxers, bras and vests are ideal for packaging so have no worries. Besides, new schools are cropping up everyday.

Barnabas The Marriage Student

Tinkasimire has been a promising student in this thing called marriage. His marriage report card reads straight F’s but you have got to admire the grit of this man. Every marriage he has been in is an experiment for the next one. Barnabas is just trying out things so don’t be quick to judge him. While there isn’t much improvement, the man has not shown signs of quitting. He is currently in the third marriage.
To be like Tinkasimire, don’t waste time recharging the marriage when you can find a new ‘battery’ (new wife). Even if one of your wives is allegedly torched inside your house or another disappears from your marital home, more women will be willing to look beyond all that and make you a wonderful home. Women will always be on standby.
There you have it.Follow the guide to be like Buyaga West MP, Hon Barnabas Tinkasimire.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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