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Four One One

How to be …Gen David Sejusa

tinyeDecorated general: Gen David Sejusa returned from self imposed exile on Sunday morning. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be like him.
I must say that like everyone else, I was shocked to hear that the self-exiled Gen David Sejusa had jetted into town. There was absolutely no pomp as the renegade army general arrived at Entebbe airport unannounced and headed to the VIP lounge shortly after. You could clearly sense the relief on his face after being exiled for just over a year for revealing some sensitive information in a supposed letter he authored. He wasn’t exactly a big fan of the son- replace- dad plot that was apparently being hatched by the government and he thought people who didn’t support it wouldn’t have life as a luxury. Of course such controversial remarks were bound to incite the public and he did the safest thing that a wise man could have done and fled the country for his safety. Well, the man is back and people will be wondering why this early and who is fooling who. You want to be like the former MP and former cordinator of Intelligence Services, here is your guide:

Be controversial
This guy has always caught himself in the middle of controversy. The moment Gen Sejusa picks a microphone to speak, you are almost sure that his lawyer has already filed a case in his defence. He simply doesn’t know when to say what and the law which he is well versed with has always been on his heels. He has made divisive remarks about the army in the past, been in rat-race chases with KCCA executive director Jennifer Musisi over tenancy issues, kicked cows and their handlers out of Buliisa, so that should tell you how controversial this man is. To be like Sejusa, you should have an insatiable desire to disturb the peace of society. Be the village irritant or the cockroach that just never dies no matter how much Doom is sprayed.

Handle things militarily
It is alleged that during the infamous Operation North that was intended to crackdown on treason suspects in Lira, General Sejusa and his boys would move around villages tormenting the lives of the locals with an unlikely weapon; the cane. He caned locals and surprisingly former minister Omara Otubo wasn’t spared in the whole fracas. Sejusa, formerly known as Tinyefuza is not your dialogue-kind of guy. His approach is the army rudimentary way of handling things. No questions asked. You find your girl in the sheets with someone that isn’t her brother, unleash the cane.Tinye would be proud.

Be a threat
Sejusa is a threat I tell you. His wars have been fought on BBC and other cable networks as he mocks the government he once worked for. I can confidently tell you that he is such a big threat that government was scared to their skin that they allowed him through without any form of interrogation and he proceeded to his farm. People are scared I tell you. Lol. You can be the person who will talk and nobody will really care.

Gen Sejusa never seems to be sure of what he wants or who he is. He is at a level of confusion where you are not sure of what to call yourself tomorrow. While a guy might struggle to spot out what to wear for the day, Sejusa is not sure of which name to carry on his passport. He was once Sejusa before he took on Tinyefuza then later realised that the name Tinyefuza was too mainstream and then called himself Sejusa again. Sejusa isn’t sure if he wants to be a president or retired farmer or both. He will say something strongly but come back later to renounce it. He is like a joker desperate for a hobby I guess. To be like General Sejusa, your choices should be mood swing driven.

Broker a deal
Ohh how I wish we all believed that our beloved Gen Sejusa came back at his own will. Mbu it is the constitutional right for him and anyone else  to come back home at any time they feel like. We shall pretend we don’t know the circumstances under which he left and the duration of the time he has been away. So mbu the government he slandered on his vacation in the UK could allow him to enter like that fwaaaa. We think Sejusa and the government went to bed. General don’t argue, we know how you got your ticket back. Be like that procurement officer who complains about the system being ‘hard to penetrate’ until ‘something’ is slipped through his fingers.
There you have it. Go ahead and be like the renegade general.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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