To Top

the acute angle : The friendzone curse


Forget Joseph Kony.The guys committing real crimes against humanity are the ones that lock you up in an isolated, dark lonely room called the friendzone, expecting you to somehow survive its harsh conditions.The chances of one making it out have always been slim or close to nonexistent. The severity of the friend zone could be compared to being on life support in an Intensive Care Unit fighting for your life. It’s that bad.
The friendzone is as dehumanising as someone letting you know that despite your desperate attempts in trying to woo them, your talents qualify for a more brotherly or sisterly role and nothing more intimate beyond the friendship level. Such bollocks! They will basically look you in your eyeballs and shamelessly tell you that, “Jack I like you as a friend and as a matter of fact you are like a brother to me.” Huh??Did I hear right? A brother? I think you can feel the weight of impunity in that statement. Those are the evil people right there. When someone you are emotionally attached to sees you as the sibling they never had, I can comfortably say that you have been dumped into the friendzone and you might as well suffocate and die there.
So if you are still wondering how emotionally destructive the friendzone is, I will help you know how. Think of a pizza date with that hot chick whereby she packs the last slice of pizza for her boyfriend at the end of the date. And when she is about to finally meet her boyfriend’s parents, she won’t look in the mirror to find out how she looks but rather turn to you and be like, “John how do I look?” Bambi imagine being assigned the duty of writing wedding invitations for his wedding to another chick when you are so in love with him. On the surface and to your friends, you share a love so sacred yet in all honesty the only thing you might share is the oxygen you breathe and that unsecured Wi-Fi connection at that café you two frequent.
Unfortunately, the main tenants in the friendzone are the nice people. If you are looking for a complementary to attend a concert in the friendzone, just be “sweet” and you will never see a day as her boyfriend. If she says, “Oh my God Nick you are such a sweet guy,” she is in the roofing stage of building the friendzone over your head. Don’t allow that nonsense. And whatever the reason, don’t allow her to hoodwink you into holding her handbag. That’s a Boko Haram friendzone tactic. Nice people are the main losers here. Chicks long for a guy who is like an accident waiting to happen. Be rugged, scruffy and if you have an impressive jail track record, that is an added advantage. Make her cry once in a while and if you can’t do that cut an onion as a last resort. Atleast you will have tried. Don’t be too available. Be the person that replies a text message three days later with a lame ‘k’ to mean okay.
If you like someone, make your intentions clear from the onset rather than signing your “death warrant” to the friendzone. So this “ka” Savanna chick I am “eyeing” has invited me for dinner later this evening but I guess I’ll just stay home and catch up with some new series.Sipapa. Nice weekend guys.

Leave a comment

More in Acute Angle

  • “Just Slaps… For You”

    Hearing Winnie Nwagi on Television naively explain the regrettable treatment of her housemaid left me aghast. As if the criminal choice...

    IAN FORD NKERAOctober 25, 2019
  • Decoding love nigg*s

    It turns out the so-called ‘love nigg*s’ might need to be phased out to prolong humanity… mbu. It has also been...

    IAN FORD NKERAOctober 18, 2019
  • Embracing my roots with pride

    You will hate to believe it, but yes, I can now identify as a ‘summer’. Not your conventional one. My skin...

    IAN FORD NKERAOctober 11, 2019
  •  “I only fear God…” Lol

    Never heard a more misguided threat than this in my life. And no, it does not come alone. There is normally...

    IAN FORD NKERASeptember 20, 2019
  • Parte, Parte, after parte

    Like honestly, when do you rest? August alone was a kidongo bonanza with artistes pouring in from every point of the...

    IAN FORD NKERASeptember 13, 2019
  • Kenzo this, Rema that

    What a week for the social media relationship analysts/counsellors! These guys have the ‘full details’ and all the analogies you can...

    IAN FORD NKERASeptember 6, 2019
  • Ssuubi, a case of metallic fortunes…

    Always thought a ‘metallic case’ was high school’s biggest scam. Strangely, parents swore that it was God’s answer to the petty...

    IAN FORD NKERAAugust 16, 2019
  • Of nudes and foolish lovers

      So you people enjoy seeing people naked, huh? Let’s make it a date and then we can go nude anywhere…...

    IAN FORD NKERAJune 7, 2019
  • Of GOT fans and idle thoughts

    When you read the Acute Angle, you might marvel at how seamless it looks. My thoughts laid out perfectly, my jokes...

    IAN FORD NKERAMay 24, 2019