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How to be the shrewd MP Nsereko

The Rebellious one. Do your friends sometimes think that you are too stubborn, quite big-headed, so aggressive, somewhat dodgy or a little independent-minded? Well, you might have some MP Muhammed Nsereko’s DNA in you. The recent happenings in Parliament gave Ian Ford Nkera something to write about..

MP Muhammad Nsereko is like a bad rash you treat from time to time but it just won’t go away. Quite irritable, somewhat painful but still so visible. You know how these rashes can be. It sits there, patched up in one huge cluster and establishes itself in very peculiar areas. You would be lucky if it didn’t situate itself in the nether region. It tempts a few scratches here and there, disappears briefly before re-emerging.
This is textbook Muhammad Nsereko. A political strategist who has curved a career out of the sheer brilliance of his stubbornness. While the whole world is heading West, Muhammad Nsereko is heading South. It simply is in his nature. He has stood firm and independent-minded in his decisions, often clashing with his superiors.

This was most recently seen when he defied orders from ‘above’ to step down from the Deputy Speaker of Parliament race in favour of the eventual winner, Jacob Oulanyah. Dude stuck to his guns, ran for the seat before being floored by Oulanyah.
Now, we all know that he wasn’t fazed by the defeat and he was only looking for political capital. MP Nsereko has built himself a reputation as a shrewd and rebellious politician who schemes his way in and out of situations. Wanna be like him? Here is your guide:

Emputtu syndrome
We all have that one friend whose brain was programmed to ignore advice no matter how many times we try with them. MP Nsereko was part of the clique of rebel MPs, who included hotheads Barnabas Tinkasiimire, Wilfred Niwagaba and Theodore Sekikubo. We all know how that story unfolded; they grew wings and were eventually thrown out of the party.
The others were welcomed back after a scolding but not Nsereko. Why? The little ‘demons’ in his head couldn’t allow him so. He chose to tread his political journey as an Independent and disown the NRM. Quite daring, I must say!
If you are going to be like MP Nsereko, prepare to be witchhunted, hated, sabotaged but again, painfully successful. It’s the price you must pay. In case you are thinking about defiance at your workplace, making enemies from all departments might not be a brilliant idea. Your butt will be sacked, plain and simple. Such people don’t last too long. Rebellion doesn’t work everywhere.
To be like Nsereko, it would help if you hail from Busoga sub-region. Those chaps can even deny a day, mbu “Today can’t be Friday, no way.” Be stubborn and very persistent in what you want.

Just friends
We have all heard that line. It seems relatively harmless yet it spells doom. That guy introduced to you as ‘just friends’ by your girl is warming up to take your place, so wake up already. There can’t be anything such as ‘just friends’ in this day and age.
We live in a world of starved vultures who will chance on any glaring opportunity. A couple of hot byanas have been linked to MP Nsereko and he is always very ready to dismiss the allegations as petty talk before cheekily fending off reporters with his trademark line, “We are just friends”. Remember when he was accused of stealing a certain Allen Karungi from Jeff? The married legislator came out to dismiss the story. Hmmm.
To be like Muhammad Nsereko, be that friend all your guy friends worry about. The guy who ‘just’ goes for dinner with his friend’s girl from time to time or the one who features prominently in her pics. Be the guy seen sneaking out of your pal’s girlfriend’s pad at 2am. Mbu they were “just chilling”.
Don’t get too mad when your boys beat you down for this. They could be “just playing” with you. Take it lightly.

Be aggressive and independent-minded
There could be a thin line between being big-headed and being aggressive. One would argue that aggressive people have some of the biggest heads ever, and I don’t mean this literally. This is true though. They don’t like to conform and always go after what they want.
Muhammad Nsereko had to beat all odds to get elected as the MP for Kampala Central even when he stood on the NRM ticket. That shows the balls and grit of this man. He has had to stand up to top honchos in government and give them a piece of his mind.
To be like Nsereko, let’s start by giving up that lousy office chair that you have swung in for the last five years. Go grab your boss’ job, even if he doesn’t like it. Be hungry for success. It doesn’t matter whose toes you have to step on to advance. Talk back at your superiors. They will probably think about your dodgy upbringing but who cares. You know what you want. Scheme your way to the top by being calculative but very venomous.Plot everyone’s downfall systematically and surely.
There you have it. Feel free to be like the cantankerous Muhammad Nsereko.

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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