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How to be… Sir Elton Joseph Mabirizi


Misplaced confidence. He is probably the most talked about presidential candidate following last Friday’s presidential debate. He oozes confidence, but he has ended up becoming a laughing stock in many circles. He gets words twisted and will humour you with his English. It is not even funny, but well, he is an engineer (or is it Yingineer?), and if you want to follow in his footsteps, Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be like Joseph Mabirizi.

Presidential candidate Joseph Mabirizi has become some sort of sensation this past week because of his shambolic display at the first Presidential Debate held last Friday. After being ‘adapted’ on his campaign trail, the last thing anyone wanted was to be represented from ‘up to down there’ but he still did. He showed up clueless about his plan for the country but one thing was for sure, he wanted to be the man that could represent women from up there to, well… down there. Where? Down there.
What better way to solve unemployment than export the unemployed to countries like China. Who needs a bunch of unemployed chaps treading our streets when you could actually get rid of them? That is Mabirizi’s logic. How would one solve debt as president? Obviously by debt management. That is pretty easy from a Mabirizi standpoint.
Whichever way you look at it, the man still showed up unlike some people. It does not matter whether he expected a “Fire Is Better Than Water” kind of debate, the guy never chickened out, but at least represented a cluster of people who never took English as a major in school.
The backbenchers who were always caught unawares with questions from teachers or the kids who never had notes until the day of exams. Mabirizi has shown you that it can be done. In case you want to be like Sir Elton Joseph Mabirizi and scale heights of greatness, here is your guide;

‘Adapt’ courage
Running a country is no mean feat and I respect Joseph Mabirizi for being bold enough to run for president. Ugandans are only good at criticising leaders, but will run away from any opportunity to lead or become the change that they seek. It is because of this that Mabirizi stands out. If you are the kind of person that is ever shouting ‘Agende’, step aside for guys like Mabirizi who actually want to push the country forward.
To be like Mabirizi, you will have to fight your ka inferiority complex and pick forms in the next election. Your wife pays for Yaka, buys you boxers and feeds you but you think you have a right to shoot down Mabirizi? Trust me, even your rats will start a government in your house before you even gather guts to be a leader in your home.
You have never led a school choir, a group discussion or even a prayer but you despise Sir Elton’s shot at leadership? Please humble yourself. To be like Mabirizi, be the guy that will always front themselves for any leadership post.

From up to down there
Ladies should embrace the fact that Mabirizi wants to represent them from up ‘there’ to down there. However gazetted both areas may be, Mabirizi’s government will be looking out for you. If your intention to represent her down there requires you to give up plots of land and large sums of money, my friend, please wake up.

Make viable life choices
The word is ‘viable’ and while it is forgivable for Sir Elton Mabirizi to miss the meaning, you shouldn’t. On that fateful night when Mabirizi was asked about the viability of Uganda’s oil sector, he looked quite clueless. Like a smart man not keen to die in his movie, he blamed his headphones for mishearing the word. That’s a smart president.
Sir Elton showcased his ability to handle himself when under pressure. This is how we make viable choices in life. Should your girlfriend find pics of you on Facebook being introduced by another woman to her parents, tell her you were shooting a music video.
In case you are short of money as your taxi heads to a stop, pull a trick off your sleeve. You can play dead or insane. Trust me, you will escape that one.

Manage your debts (Date management)
To be like Sir Elton Joseph Mabirizi, the only way you can handle debts is by handling dates. Plain and simple. Mabirizi said it and the Kasujjas of this world were busy laughing at him. Genius stuff! To be like Sir Joseph Mabirizi, reduce ‘dates’ whichever way you know how.
If you are a man and want to save your ‘government’ from crumbling, cut off the loosies, side pieces and all the extra chicks that are out for your money. You can’t be borrowing to facilitate this weave business that we see around. Sustain your ‘government’ by appointing your ride or die girlfriend as Treasurer of your wallet and Trustee of your heart.
In that way, you can be like Mr Doesn’t Have to Know It All aka, Sir Elton Joseph Mabirizi.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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