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You know he is a Ugandan artiste when …

You mean you don’t remember this guy? He had the biggest song recently ... Emeesse.  File Photo.

1. You board the same taxi when going to his concert, and in some cases, he comes on a boda boda to perform for people who came in Range Rovers.

2. He brings his music on a flash or CD to a concert and just shouts “DJ, track number 3,” at an apparently live show.

3. He keeps repeating the words, “You don’t know,” when being interviewed on radio or TV.

4. He still calls himself an upcoming artiste, 10 years into the music industry just because he hasn’t landed a hit song.

5. He drives a very expensive car, has a very beautiful woman but has no house to his name.

6. He calls himself international after recording a song with a fading Jamaican artiste.

7. The album title is in English but all the songs are in vernacular.

8. The song starts off with shout-outs and dedications to the producers. “D-Records , Producer Bless ting dis.”

9. The hit song becomes the title of the album.

10. He shows up with his sunglasses to a night club. Brother, do you see the sun at midnight?

11. He has more Facebook posts than hit songs.

12. He mentions his name in all his songs.

13. Every time she’s asked when she started singing, she keeps talking of how she used to sing in the church choir. Is it the church choir that taught you about see-through attires? And when her nude photos leak to the press, she goes gospel on her next album.

14. He keeps trying different music genres. When hip-hop fails, he tries zouk.

15. The one hit wonder song loses steam, the ariste fades off the scene faster than Usain Bolt on the 100 metre track.

16. He’s launching an album, the concert is slated to begin at 8pm, it begins at 10pm, with a plethora of curtain-raisers until midnight when he gets on stage. And he always performs the hit song last.

17. He wins a kadongo-kamu award for a reggae song.

18. He gets beaten by his own fans at a concert.

19. He grabs his pants between his two legs while performing. It’s the only dance stroke they have mastered.

20. She releases a few songs, she compiles an album, organises a concert and breaks away from the group.

21. Her hit song becomes one of her names; Phina Masanyalaze, Lady Mariam Tindatiine, Haruna Kitooke, Hilderman Mazongoto, Zuena Owa Boda.

22. When he always organises the main concert on Friday at the following venues (Kyadondo for the big names, Obligatto, Kati Kati and Equatorial parking for those who are not sure about their size and Garden City Roof-top for those who are certain big venues are out of their league, and Gatto Matto for the rappers)

23. When he has an animal name (Weasel, Kid Fox) He is named after a wine for example Bobi Wine. His name is actually a job occupation (Butcher-man) and he acts like a cool baby (Bebe Cool). They give themselves all sorts of names, from radios to utensils.

24. He names his son after a city with the largest number of potholes and the daughter after a city with the biggest number of thieves and you keep wondering why children grow up to be mad.

25. When she plays a prank on herself days to her concert to gain sympathy. Talk of cooking oil becoming acid.

26. When every life event of theirs can result in a concert. He survives a bomb, that’s a concert, she survives jail, that’s a concert, returns from a show abroad, that’s another concert and when the rat at her home gives birth, expect another concert.

27. When he organises a concert, and the following people turn up, his wife, his children, his house maid and a few friends and in-laws. Do you need more proof that people don’t like your music?

28. After being nominated for a big award, he adds the award to his name for example, Weasel BET.

29. He promises the country a sack of Grammy awards based on his amazing English songs like “ayamu gowingi higher (read going higher)” or “Zeyi want to kill me because ovu u.”

30. Feel free to add more…

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