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What your hood says about you

Being able to swim is one of the requirements to live in Bwaise. IT’S ALL ABOUT LOCATION: Birds of a feather flock together. It’s for that very reason that  Ian Ortega brings us the stereotype of people who live in particular places.

You can tell a Ugandan’s character from their place of residence. If you know where he/she stays, then you know much about him/her. So here’s that unofficial guide you can use to judge whether to relocate or stick to your place of residence. Anyway, here is a guide of Ugandan places of abode and the characters they present us.

Old money
If you live in Entebbe, Kololo, Ntinda, Naguru or even Muyenga, then you are one of those old money people. But of course, your age must also communicate that you are indeed old. Otherwise, never at anyone moment should you believe a campuser when he tells you that he lives in Kololo. What does he do there? Is he an askari or an iron-bar hit man? Unless of course he is a son of a rich man.

 New Money
Naalya, Kiwatule, Bunga, Buziga, Munyonyo – now this is new money. But you need to be careful whether this is not Gavi money or OPM (Office of the Prime Minister) money. Never trust new money. You never know what the people who have it do to get that money.
And if you are a man and you are dating a lady from Naalya, marry her as fast as possible. You can be assured, she is an independent lady, probably working as a publicist in one of those top companies. Most of them are beautiful but unlucky.

 Corporate bachelors and spinsters
Kisaasi where are you? Ninety per cent of Kampala’s bachelors reside in Kisaasi. Just do a survey. Any Ugandan graduate who’s earning at least Shs1m lives in one of those apartments in Kisaasi. But be assured, most of these guys are living on debts. They are the reason banks are making a killing on their  salary loans. They buy things they don’t need with money they don’t really have to impress girls who don’t even care.
Most of their salary goes to servicing bank loans. But they have cars – bought on loan, and they portray a life of luxury. They earn Shs1m and pay Shs800,000 for their apartments. One thing they can’t avoid is being broke. If he lives in Kisaasi, my dear sister, run as fast as you can. He can’t even sustain your hair bills, unless he has just secured a loan top-up.

The kikomando community
If she resides in Kikoni or Banda, she lives in one of the hostels, and be assured, the only time she eats nice food is when you take her out. That’s why she always get a tummy ache in the aftermath of a date at Serena hotel, because her stomach enzymes are used to kikomando, but here you are buying her lasagna. Have mercy on the poor girl, she doesn’t have enzymes to digest such classy food.
And if the boy lives in Kikoni, there’s a high chance he missed his shower the previous day. Never befriend anyone from Kikoni, what business do you have befriending a student? Unless of course you are a sugar daddy. Little wonder many sleek cars are seen around Kikoni hostels in the evenings, yet we know hostel girls cannot afford Range Rovers.

The swimming instructors
If you live in Bwaise, you were born a fish, raised a swimmer and you will die a swimmer. Someone once said; “If you can sell a bottle of mineral water to a resident of Bwaise, then you are a great marketer.” You can notice a workmate who lives in Bwaise. They will always be worried when it begins to rain. But they will have the biggest smile when it’s shinning. Life in Bwaise is hardwork, you either swim or you drown. You don’t take chances in these places. People who live in Bwaise are always the first to get to work and the last ones to live office, because office life is much better than home life.
Honestly, some of you are responsible for not making it in life because of where you stay. How do you expect people to trust you with their money when you stay in places like Bwaise? Honestly, what if you drown with their money?

The iron-bar hitmen
The day we won’t have news from Mukono is the day the media industry will collapse. Rumour has it that every media house has more journalists in Mukono than in any other district. Never marry a girl from Mukono, she may eat you for breakfast. Never marry a man from Mukono, he may sell you off. It’s only in Mukono where people know what it really means to thank God for a new day in the morning, your neighbour might not be as lucky.

The party animals
Makindye, Kabalagala, Wandegeya, Kansanga, Kireka. Do you know someone from these places? Yes, now you know someone suffering from insomnia. They are the perfect definition of nocturnal. They don’t budget for sleep; they budget for their night life of happening.
Is one of your girlfriends from Kabalagala, truth be told, your relationship is a business transaction, where she gets money from you in exchange for you know what.

The soldiers
You date a girl from Mbuya and she says she has a boyfriend, my friend, do you have a bullet proof vest? Their favourite meal is kalo. If you take a girl from Mbuya out, make sure there is a component of millet flour in whatever you are eating.
And those men in Mbuya and Bombo, you never joke around with them. It’s often said, stupidity is when you slap a man at the entrance of a barracks. But let’s rephrase that and say; “Stupidity is when you dump a man from Mbuya, my sister, are you really ready for heaven?”

The detoothers
Those girls are from areas like Bugolobi. I don’t know how they do it, but the miraculous economics they read would help this country. It’s only in Bugolobi where you will find a girl who earns a meagre Shs200,000 from her job, living in a Shs400,000-a-month apartment, driving a Rav 4, holding a Samsung S4, plaiting a new hairstyle of Shs50,000 every week and spending Shs700,000 on miscellaneous expenses every week.
Relationship experts have it that if she only calls you when she wants money, if she only calls you when she wants to hang-out,  if she never introduces you as a boyfriend to her friends, if she has a password to her phone, if she never allows you to touch her phone and if you don’t even know any of her relatives, then that girl is from Bugolobi and she has friend zoned you. These girls are the queens of the detoothing game and the friend zone. You would literally avoid 80 per cent of the friend zones from Ugandan girls if you just avoid dating a girl from Bugolobi.

The fishermen
“I will make you fishers of men, if you follow me.” Okay, the remix of the song goes, “I will make you fishers of men if you choose to stay in Luzira and Entebbe.” These girls are looking for men to save them from the curse of singlehood. They are out to trap a man into commitment by all means.
As for the men who stay in these areas, they are real fishermen. Just try to sit in a taxi from Entebbe, it’s always reeking of that smell of fish.

The red-wire/ psychos
Butabika? Yes, you guessed right. Befriend anyone from this area at your own risk.  They are comparable to those boys from Kamwokya. The only difference is that those from Kamwokya are the only people whom God has given the privilege to pay him a visit to heaven on high and back to earth.
These people really have money (in their dreams). Their rates of reality distortion are just so high. There is one who even bought a million dollar yacht. Another one developed wings and flew from the fourth floor of a hotel, he only managed to break his legs, talk of super powers.

The unknowns and commoners
Finally for those areas we have not mentioned, those areas like Namasuba and Zzana, those are areas of the unknowns. If your area can’t even make it to this list, how do you expect to make it in life? My dear brethren, relocate for the sake of your success? At least get a job as a house-maid in one of those houses in Kololo, such that you update your  Facebook location to “lives in Kololo”.
And for places like Mulago, Nsambya, Mengo and Rubaga, with all due respect, if you are not sick, what makes you reside in such areas? Leave places of the sick to the sick?
With that in mind, it’s hoped that you now know where you fall. Stop seeking for attention on Facebook if your place has not made it to this list, Kikubamutwe has not yet been mapped on Google, so take a chill pill.


Just for laughs: This list is not gospel truth and it is intended to give you a good laugh. If you live in a certain area and you are not what is described about the people in your area, just look at the people around you. You will realise that there is actually a grain of salt in the story.

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