IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PEOPLE: They say Kampala “si bibizembe” meaning the city is not about the buildings but the people. Ian Ortega cetegorises the types of people that found in our capital city.
We all know of those personality types in Kampala that make up the biggest portion of this city. Despite the fact that stereotypes and generalisations are not always accurate to the dot, we can hold some of these to be true. These are the types of people you will probably meet in Kampala.
The social media addicts and celebs
These ones are addicted to Facebook more than anything else in their life. When in an accident, they will post an update before they get any first aid. Even when they lose a loved one, they will make an update, and then proceed to shed the first tear.
We also have the Facebook celebs; each of their status update garners hundreds of likes, and tens of retweets for their tweet, but you will probably bypass them on an average day, not caring to notice their presence. They have found love and fans on Facebook, run businesses on Facebook, and, their graves will be dug on Facebook.
The deal crackers
“Kapya ki,” is their slogan. The dealers always await the next big deal to crack. They can be anything as far as the deal requires. They are land brokers, surveyors, and even car bond middlemen. The deal crackers are the kings of short-cuts in Uganda. You want a Ugandan passport in one day, talk to a deal cracker. You want a woman as beautiful as Beyonce, the deal crackers will provide one at your doorstep.
The wannabe models
Apart from their Instagram and Facebook photos, which go through a million edits, nothing qualifies them as models, not even their figures. The amount of faith they have is something amazing to behold, they believe that one day, at the flash of a light, they will be in the Paris Fashion Week showcasing their collections. Yes, keep believing sweethearts.
The poor drivers
Always keep at a distance when you notice them on the roads. To them, side mirrors are for their make-up sessions and nothing more. They will put on a left indicator to indicate a turn on the right. They take years to join the main road, and they are commonly seen in recently registered cars. When you notice such cars, keep at a distance.
The magical economist
We’ve always talked about this amazing corporate person, usually a bank teller. They live in Bunga, Naalya, Kisaasi or Ntinda. They rent a house of Shs500,000, drives a car that consumes Shs100,000 worth of fuel every two days, change a hairstyle every week, but guess what? They earn less than Shs450,000 as salary. How they keep up with their amazing lifestyle is what qualifies them as a magical economist. The day we can appoint such people to handle the finances of the country, is the day Uganda will become a first-world country.
The party animals
These are the guys you can always count on to tell you where the party is. She knows the club bouncers by name, he knows the club’s prostitutes. Among the party animals, we have the pests, these are the guys who are always dead broke yet manage to party every weekend. They live off the shine of their rich friends; you will find them in every rich circle. The only reason the rich friends keep them around is because they are the ones who pick the drinks from the counter and come in handy when a fight breaks out. To the party animals, the leeches, and the wannabes, they are always going to fake that Hollywood lifestyle until they make it.
They also go by the alias of the “undetoothables”, you don’t mess around detoothing them of their money, because they work hard for it. Even their car reeks of the hustle smell, when it breaks down; they go under and work on it. These guys never outsource anything in their life. They are hands-on. They can be plumbers, electricians and mechanics as need arises.
The reason you should avoid hustlers is because they always have something that requires your help; a business or two that requires funding. The hustler is an opportunist; he will always jump on anything that smells like cash. He can sniff cash hundreds of miles away. When it comes to dating, the hustlers always try to milk the girls they have not fed.
The player a.k.a. the hunk
Our very beloved player! Literally. This Kampala guy is usually tall, good-looking, charming (or not… these days you never know what excites girls). He is usually financially okay. More or less the total package if you’re into getting your heart-broken. He goes for really hot girls and they go for him too. Match made in heaven, until he leaves you for the next hot thing. This player studies his prey. He knows the right thing to say, the right place to take them. In fact you hardly suspect a thing; he’s the perfect man of your dream till you find out that he’s doing the same thing to three other girls. The Kampala player is not a liar actually. Most times you would be a fool not to have heard of his past “conquests”. Girls go for him for different reasons might be that they’ve heard of his lifestyle and …errm skills and hey! No one wants to be left out! Then there are the overly ambitious girls that think they can “change” him and end up going around to stalk him and fight with all the girls that even so much as smell him. Good luck with that! When they do get married they can never commit and usually stick to their philandering ways. Anyway, the player never usually marries until very late in life when he feels the pressure of settling down and there goes an unsuspecting 20-something-year-old that feels she’s caught the biggest fish and is flattered by the amount of bitter single hot girls that come for her wedding. Don’t worry, you will still see them around him.
She’s the kind of girl who dates multiple men at once, she keeps them like balls. She dates a Joash who handles the complementary tickets section, she handles an Emmy who handles the security department, and of course she dates the dons, the guys who will drive her around in the latest Mercedes Benz. The good thing about this girl is that she doesn’t discriminate among men, she will assign a role to every man that hits on her.
The regular guys aka kayoola
They work nine to five jobs and make a reasonable income that simply allows them to live through till the next pay day. He’s not exciting, but he’s not boring. These are the guys every Kampala girl eventually settles with. They have all the qualities of nice guys, they don’t cheat, they can live without sex till marriage but they always enjoy expired goods, when the girls have been around for a while.
The connected dude
This guy is connected to everyone around town; he’s probably a son to one of the prominent people. He can commit any kind of crime and get away with it. They drive flashy cars and live lifestyles that are entirely funded by their parents. They are also the financial backbones of most house-parties that take-place in Kampala. And believe me, if their parents don’t approve of you, you won’t ever stand a chance of dating them.
The nun aka Sister Glorias
“Up from the grave he arose,” so they sing every Sunday waiting for Mr Right to appear unto them. The sister Glorias have it all when it comes to education, a degree or two, a very stable job, an intact virginity, but no man in their lives. The only reason they are single is because they have a long list of impossible qualities they want in a man. Keep waiting sisters as your friends get married every Saturday.
Driving company branded cars, wearing company branded T Shirts, using company branded items and dating company funded girls, calling them using company phones. Their companies are their lives; the day the company collapses is the day their life winds up. The corporates never spend a single coin on anything; even the smartphones they flash around were won during a company competition organised by one of the telecom companies. The only meal they eat at their homes is their supper, everything else is provided by the company, even the water they drink.
These are the uncategorised residents in Kampala. Their characters are out of this world, that they can’t be categorised.