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How to be…the controversial Prophet Kakande

Prophet Samuel Kakande

REAP WHERE YOU SOW: Surely by now we have all heard about that holy rice and seen all the memes. What some of you may not know is that before holy rice was holy water and holy bread… maybe also some silent holy other things. Well, looks like Prophet Samuel Kakande has found his niche. Want to find yours too? Here’s your guide.

It is no longer news that our economy is in total shambles. Anyone will confess to you that things are tight. Do you see the guy across the street yawning? The signs are visible everywhere. There is a general feel of people being unhappy. Businesses are closing faster than they opened. It has gotten to a point where just one side hustle is not enough. Even your side hustle needs a side hustle. Don’t get surprised to see that high-flying auditor vending tomatoes to his workmates in a desperate move to make an extra buck. With this unpredictable weather, the tomatoes would be hard to come by. Surprisingly, the pastors, prophets and others have not been left out. These anointed men of God are also looking for their next meal. Who knew? Instead of holding onto the last grain of rice, one of them is selling his. Yes, at a staggering Shs50,000 per kilo. And for what? A tonne of miracles straight from the heavens. Yeah right? Well, put your hands together for Prophet Kakande of Synagogue Church Of All Nations. Dude sure knows how to read economic indicators. But for long, Prophet Kakande has been known to perform miracles at his church and trust me, many Ugandans are in desperate need of miracles. They might just cash in. To be like Prophet Kakande, here is your idle man’s guide:

‘Miracle man’
Have you watched Prophet Kakande’s sermons on TV? Insane things happen. The lame begin to walk, the blind get to see. There have been rumours that all the miracles are staged. Everything looks too good to be true but some of his loyal followers that go there week in-week out believe that he is anointed by God and they can testify to have received these miracles. I am not sure there are many people who can make miracles happen like Kakande. Living in this Uganda today is a miracle already. If you are unemployed yet you dress nicely, pay rent and date one of those light-skinned money grinding machines, you are a miracle man. Even Kakande cannot touch you. To be exactly like Prophet Kakande, you might need to hold acting auditions in your office for roles in a miracles show. Whoever nails it could walk away with a prize.

Be scandalous
Prophet Kakande may be able to perform miracles but certainly not in his life. He has been married five times. This almost feels like a bad song being remixed over two times. You just do not want to hear it. His chicks come and go just as fast as the demons he ‘casts’ out of his people. He has been accused of stage managing all those miracles with many actors on a payroll. His former ally Solomon Male came out some time to back this claim. Mbu he has continued to fleece his flock with creations such as holy water, holy bread and the newest sensation, the ‘holy rice’. Apparently the ‘holy rice’ has miracles raining down from heaven. The guy knows how to make news.
If you want to be like Prophet Kakande or even upstage him, make news. Start a church. Be the centre of attention always. Marry your entire church if that is what will get you noticed. Do not feel embarrassed if the relationships do not work out. Make a remix.

Be a hustler
Prophet Kakande is on a hustle like any other ordinary Ugandan. The only difference is that his hustle is out of the book. He actually has the balls to sell rice at 50k per kilo. Like honestly, who does that? This economy will make guys imagine crazy things. And also, his hustle is super suspicious. Half of the Ugandans out there are into some fishy business. Prophet Kakande actually makes people believe that they are receiving miracles and guess what? They keep coming back. His church is always full that hundreds are left standing outside. To be like Prophet Kakande, upgrade your hustle to the point that everyone knows you are fishy but no one can touch you. Avoid businesses where KCCA and other nosy authorities are always in your business.
Well there you have it. Feel free to be like the controversial Prophet Samuel Kakande

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

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