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How to be: Mary Luswata

lus2LOUD MOUTH: If you can’t sing or act but still want to get famous, what do you do? Be like the self-styled gossip queen Mary Luswata and pick on celebrities. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be Uganda’s Wendy Williams.

If you haven’t heard of a pint-sized foul mouthed TV personality in the breath of Mary Luswata by now, you are probably lurking too far away from reality. The TV host who headlines a gossip show has for the past weeks been on everyone’s lips for her scathing attacks on local celebrities and has had her fair share of scorn from the very celebrities she has put to the sword on her viral TV show. A host of celebrities have taken to social media to vent their frustration at the TV host who has yet to tone down on the vicious nature of her attacks and who continues to see her show’s ratings skyrocket beyond anyone’s imagination. I hereby take you into the world of gossip queen Mary Luswata.

Poor man’s Wendy Williams
Mary Luswata has been likened to the infamous American TV host Wendy Williams for what they do best – gossip. While one puts lives of people like Jay-Z under the microscope, one is more indigenous taking interest in the lives of “celebrities” like Judith Heard and Zari. But who would even give our “socialites” a thought? To be like our very own Luswata, you should have a certain passion about cheap talk. Pick interest in who your neighbour is dating and who has dumped who. You can do internship in well-known institutions like muzigos or salons. These places will nurture you into a gossip queen of sorts.

Hater In Chief
Mary Luswata has been known as the official Hater in Chief whose hate campaigns have seen no discrimination. Just the given fact that you are in the spotlight makes you a candidate for her verbal attacks. Artistes both upcoming and established have been trashed on the show, which begs for the question, “How far can she possibly go?” With not a single notice brought her way, you can expect a barrage of insults and more cans of worms opened as weeks go by. Being like Luswata will require you to be as generous with insults as ever. From that annoying landlord to that nagging wife, serve them with a special diet of insults. You shouldn’t spare any soul.

Mary the coward
Don’t be fooled by the tough talking girl you see on TV. This poor girl has been scared for her life that she isn’t seen much in public. Who would even blame her? Clearly, the most wanted person at the moment for not so good reasons, Luswata, has not been known to hang around her office recently. That was brought to light when a certain TV personality who had been a victim of Luswata’s attacks showed up at her desk for a quick one on one. The pint-sized personality was seen sneaking out of the office and hasn’t been seen since. Be like Luswata and act very cowardly. Talk tough yet you shiver at any sight of trouble.

Attention seeker
So what do you do if you can’t sing or act to gain fame? You can seek attention by acting desperately to bring down people who have actually worked their way up. Who cares about brands when you are Mary Luswata? She has made these local celebrities feel like they aren’t worth a drop of sweat as she enjoys tearing them apart week in week out. This sounds like a thing a barmaid in some make shift restaurant in Bwaise would do. To get close to Luswata’s level, you will have to stoop so low. Trash everyone, people will always listen.

The clean closet?
Mary Luswata’s job requires her to keep all the loose ends in her life tied, which she has done so far. The jury will always be waiting for her to mess up and you can imagine the drama that it would spark. At the moment she is rumoured to be clean even though a secret pregnancy with some tycoon could come to light. But what do I know? She is very clean even after she admitted that she has never been a fan of underwear. So clearly you can see that even if she does a good job of defaming people, her closet is pretty clean. Be like Luswata and throw stones without expecting any to be returned. Just be like a blind soldier who carries a gun to war.


This is a humour column where featured persons are looked with a satirical eye. The views expressed henceforth may not be an objective assessment of the individual.


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