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How to be…Usain ‘lightning’ Bolt


SPRINT KING. Usain St. Leo Bolt is a Jamaican sprinter. Oh, you knew? Sorry to bother you with the obvious. Sorry to also tell you that he is the fastest person on this planet and holds both the 100 metres and 200 metres world records. Currently in Rio for his third Olympic Games, Bolt is just the phenomenon that this generation should be proud of ‘seeing.’ Wanna, be like him? Follow these simple guidelines provided by Ian Ford Nkera.

It would take just a few seconds for some men to run for the hills if their chics brought up the sensitive subject of marriage. They will do this in record time. Drop that “You’re going to be a dad” line and some chaps will vanish through thin air breaking all kinds of sprint records. Quite frankly, African men are simply the fastest in the world when running away from responsibility. You simply won’t catch them.

While our running never gets the headlines, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt does and in a big way. He has made a mockery of sprinting, this guy. This dude jogs in a 100m sprint race and wins medals. How insulting! While others are bursting their lungs to the finish line, it’s as if the guy is taking a romantic walk in the park. No sweat broken, a long grin across his face and many records broken. Dude even poses for photos while running. Unbelievable! Usain Bolt has made sprinting look so easy and entertaining that you worry for the sport when he decides to retire. His showman skills have yet again been a spectacle at the Rio 2016 Olympics with many fans from all over the world following his every move. After jogging to his third 100m Olympic gold medal, the 30 year old Jamaican is arguably one of the greatest Olympians ever. To be like the ever-so- cheerful Bolt, here is your manual:

Jamaica's Usain Bolt makes his trademark celebration pose after winning the final of the men's 200 metres athletics event at the 2015 IAAF World Championships at the "Bird's Nest" National Stadium in Beijing on August 27, 2015.  AFP PHOTO / OLIVIER MORIN

It’s never that serious, have fun
This guy turns up for races while jamming to reggae music. How cool is that! I would want to listen to some Konshens music in the middle of some boring meeting at the office. Yeah that would be legendary. To be like Bolt, loosen up a little and enjoy the show. Turn up for work like you are turning up for a party. That attitude sets the tone of the day. Bolt is always having fun through all of it. Bolt would probably be the guy sharing his music with the boss through Whatsapp. If you show up to work looking like an ‘unmet deadline’, trust me your boss will notice and rain down on you. To be like Bolt, stop a boring meeting in the middle and ask your peeps to join you in a selfie. Calm people’s nerves in style. Make your job or study course a hobby. Don’t pretend to be too serious, suffocating your way to the office in ties and suits. Unbutton your shirt slightly, roll down the windows of your car and jam to some feel-good reggae vibes. Life is too short to waste it frowning and chilling with negative people.

Run, Run and……..Run
Sometimes, all you got to do is just run. Do you ever find yourself running for no reason? Well, don’t ask just beat it. Stretch those long legs and leave all your rivals in your wake. Do it in record time. When your ex-lover starts peeping into your life after you moved on, run for your dear life. Run against your past and leave it behind. Anti you know how exes like getting too comfortable into your life like a bad skin rash that won’t go away. Grab your esteem and run away with it, no turning back. If you see a guy that you owe money, there is no time for speeches, run for your life. Mbu face your problems, that’s a lie. You are walking into a death trap. Vanish through the corridors, the Lord you serve will understand and keep you safe. If you see any unfamiliar people near your home at night, my dear run. Those Kifeesi goons are not into the habit of making friends. Ditch the swag, forget you wore life-threatening 6 inch heels and make a world –breaking sprint through the bushes for your safety. If your girl comes with a crowd of friends to your date, you are allowed less than 9 seconds to run for your life.

Always be generous
Legendary sprinter Usain Bolt is a giver. Sure he ‘gives’ side looks while jogging to the finish line but he does give away lots of dimes to many charities around the world. His career has given him lots of wealth that he shares with people back home in Jamaica and around the world. Who knew? Dude is such a show-off. If you can’t help the fact that you like showing off wealth, help your people at least. Use your money to educate people. Don’t just splash money in bars. We might not give a hoot about your dimes. Don’t be the guy driving around in a sleek SUV yet he never sends home even a kilo of sugar back home. That will be an own goal.
Anyway, there you have it. Go ahead and be like the legendary Usain St. Leo Bolt.



This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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