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How to be the violent Koffi Olomide

kof

The beater. He has been accused of beating his producers and recently he was caught on camera kicking one of his dancers at Jomo Kenyatta Airport. Koffi Olomide is without doubt a violent man. Ian Ford Nkera tells you why he shouldn’t be anyone’s role model.

Congolese music (Lingala) was a staple for just about every Ugandan back in the 90s. It did not matter how old you were, everyone had to hit the dance floor every time these tunes dropped. Hardcore Lingala strokes got you the props, the hot neighbourhood girl, and earned you free beer at those toilet paper-decorated parties. The songs were so long that you could clearly hear the artiste gasping for breath at the end of the song. We never knew who sang the songs or what they were singing about. All we did was dance.
Our grandparents were never left out, they stretched their weary bones and tickled high blood pressure with some memorable pakachinis. Koffi Olomide, a Congolese soukous artiste, was the face of Lingala music at the time. Yes, a bleached embodiment of this Lingala music sensation.
He enjoyed cult status in Uganda for years every time he came to perform with hundreds thronging his concerts. This came to an end with the emergence of a young Ugandan artiste called Chameleone, who kicked the Lingala music fad out of Uganda for good.
Koffi Olomide, however, still remains hugely popular in French-speaking countries, although controversy still remains a huge bleep in his career. The guy can kick yooo. He kicked music charts around the world for years, he kicked the producers that made him hits, and just recently, he kicked his dancer at Jomo Kenyatta Airport in Nairobi. His luck ran out when he was deported to the DR Congo, his home country.
To be like the controversial soukous crooner, take my flawed tips:

Be larger than life
If you cannot fit in your pants anymore or walk through your corridor easily because of a shift in waist size, you are larger than life, but not the kind we mean. Koffi is a flamboyant artiste and a Congolese one for that matter. They live large, actually they live beyond what life has to offer them. Koffi has blasted on his wealth, travelling in huge entourages, driving expensive cars, wearing dodgy expensive clothes and wearing gold from his fingers down to his last toe.
To be like the great Koffi, forget having so much wealth. Just watch these ‘bu’ bankers, even on shoestring salaries, they can afford to dress expensively, drive serious cars on loan, and live in plush apartments. Don’t you want this? Get a job in any bank and live an illusion. You can enjoy luxury but on a loan arrangement. Make that decision now.
To be like Koffi, have so many people hanging around you. Don’t do this in the Najjera suburbs though, we might mistake you for the kifeesi criminals.

Get learned my friend
Who thought a man of Koffi Olomide’s status would care about education? Dude hit the classroom and has a Bachelors in Business Economics and also a Masters in Mathematics to show for it. Artistes here are busy looking for a school with a curriculum that focuses on marijuana studies.
If Koffi could endure the stress of coursework and tests, why can’t you? Mbu you want to follow your dream. LOL. Well, a dream without books could end up with you lounging in a prison somewhere in Luzira. Study something; a course maybe, or you could go learn a skill.
Now these so called fashion designers who cannot knit a single cloth or replace a missing button on a blouse. We feel for you.

Stir up some controversy
Koffi Olomide likes to commit his crimes in the open, absolutely nothing to hide. There will always be spectators. He was once accused of raping a back-up singer. It is claimed there was an audience of dancers around, although he was suspiciously cleared of rape. He has had public spats with producers and fans. He has punched or beaten so many people that it feels like exercise to him. What does one do when their legs are tired from one long flight? Kick anyone in sight, possibly a dancer.
To be like Koffi Olomide, live a controversial life but make sure to have lots of bail money. Internship as a Besigye supporter or a protester could be a good way to start. If your muzigo neighbourhood is peaceful, you are not doing enough. Lock the one communal toilet in your area and vanish with the keys. Now watch what will happen.
There you have it. Go be like the legendary Koffi Olomide.

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

nzamunda@gmail.com
Twitter: @spoiltbrat88

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