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How to be…the stubborn Man U coach, Louis Van Gaal

Illustration by Chrisogon Atukwasize

Illustration by Chrisogon Atukwasize

No nonsense. Man U fans have literally pelted stones at him every time they see him on TV. They want him sacked, and even if the ire has got to him, Man U manager Louis Van Gaal will not let the pressure derail him. So if this is your fantasy guy, Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be like him.

These days, you would rather watch paint dry than watch a Manchester United football game. The team have looked static, out of their depth and particularly sterile in front of goal posts. It now seems more likely for Olara Otunnu to find a wife than for Man U to buy a win. The way Manchester United is going down, it will soon discover oil, and Louis Van Gaal, their manager, has been in the spotlight as the man behind their downfall.
Ever since the legendary Sir Alex Ferguson stepped down as manager of England’s most successful club, the expectations were always going to be high and Louis Van Gaal is learning this the hard way. The pressure has been mounting after a string of disappointing results and Man U fans in Uganda and beyond have been praying for Van Gaal to face the axe.
Interestingly, Van Gaal has remained calm and vowed not to resign amid all the sacking speculation going around. If you want to be like Louis Van Gaal, here is your guide.

Believe In “The Philosophy”
Louis Van Gaal has infected everyone in football with his so called philosophy and anyone who does not believe in it has eventually fallen out with him. The philosophy dictates that you have to pass the ball to anyone from your teammates to the referee and when you reach the mouth of the goal, turn back to your teammate and pass the ball again.
It is the most boring thing you will probably ever see. If you want to be like Louis Van Gaal, be the guy with the money but no game. You know the guy who takes out the girls but is shy to say what is on his mind and ends up losing the girls to the guys who are more fun and exciting? Yes, that guy.

Be very stubborn
The Dutch coach has been known to use robotic training methods that have suffocated his players. He has also been accused of failing to adjust his tactics to suit certain situations. This guy is bigheaded and will not listen to anyone. His way is the only way. We all have that one friend who just won’t take advice, don’t we?
The kind who will insist on dating a chick you warned him against before he comes to you lamenting about her wickedness. While the world is heading one way, these people will still use the route no one is using.
Van Gaal carries a rigid mindset which dictates that you must defy and be against anything that is good for you. When fans urge him to attack more, he will show you that a defensive approach will get him to the holy grail so much to the annoyance of the fans. To be like Van Gaal, just sit there and pretend to listen but actually never do.

Be that no nonsense guy
Ever imagined Louis Van Gaal as your boss at work? If you have, please thank God that the Dutchman is in football management. His players have admitted that the man scares them to death. We all have that one boss who makes our knees shiver every time they come to our desks. The dude shows up at your desk demanding for a report and you face him like some frightened cat. Yes, we know you.
To be like Louis Van Gaal, be the guy no one messes with or the guy who is not in the business of making friends. Be a mystery that no one can seem to figure out. If you are going to show up at work late and swell around, please make sure that you are the boss.
There you go. Go ahead and be like the Manchester United boss Louis Van Gaal.


This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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