Connect
To Top

How to be …… the Rich Gang

IVAN1Blowing money fast: These guys spend money like it grows on trees. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be like one of them

If you are a parent dreading school opening for the first term as festive activities took a hit on your savings, I can totally understand. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, it’s probably because you sold the lantern to raise tuition for your children and we totally understand and commend you for making some tough choices. If the blender and table mats make up some of the items to be traded on OLX, my advice is that Tunda Tunda Tunda before time runs out.
Fortunately for some, January won’t be a tough month to go through regardless of how much they spent their money over the festive holidays. Their bank account will remain smiling whatsoever. Atleast that’s what they make us believe and a group called the Rich Gang can testify to that fact. They are a bunch of semi-illiterate guys who rode their luck in South Africa and are now living large. They will splash money to whoever cares, throw lavish parties in Kampala before flying back to South Africa and keeping you tuned for the next show of a money throwing extravaganza. Rich Gang sees a line-up of boss Ivan Semwanga, his driver (according to Zari) King Lawrence and their friend Ed Cheune. If throwing money around is your career choice, here is how to be like the Rich Gang.

Business acumen
We hear that these guys are making big bucks from the education business with King Lawrence and Semwanga owning many colleges in South Africa.Thats quite remarkable for guys who didn’t step in college themselves. But all this is hearsay as not a single alumnus has come out to post a single graduation snap on Instagram. Witchcraft is big in South Africa and Semwanga is believed to be one of the major players in that industry which hints at his eye for a business opportunity. If you have been hallucinating quite frequently, it’s time to work out a deal with the gods that would see you earn handsomely. That way, Rich Gang will be proud of you.

One billion net worth
Certainly not a billion dollars. Mbu you should have a net worth in the region of Shs1b to join their gang. Ohh puleeeeaseee! If a collection of fake chains, recycled girlfriends and loans make up a billion of networth, then joining their clique shouldn’t be that hard. If you want to be like them, why not do something fun like indulge in debt and see your net worth skyrocket. To be like the Semwangas of this world, the only thing that should scream billion about you should be the number of negatives on your balance sheet.

Flashy lifestyle
The Rich Gang as they love to call themselves live flashy lifestyles and that includes driving top of the range cars like Range Rovers that belittle our beloved Vitz. If Owino is your Woolworths and if matatu is your Fly Emirates, the struggle has only began but you shouldn’t despair. Be the guy that dons a rolex imitation with inscriptions “RQLEX” and exude confidence. Make sure your apartment (read muzigo) in Bwaise is a fortress complete with parking for a speed boat.

Woman drama
You can bet all these three guys have had a fair share of female drama in their lives. Where there is money, a bunch of baby mamas are bound to be lounging around sniffing any cent that makes its way out of the wallet. Parasites and leeches will look to gallop all that is left of financial blood to bankroll superficial lifestyles. Ivan Semwanga has had the most documented scandals. He has seen his relationship with estranged ex wife Zari do more “on and offs” than a faulty electric switch and had rumoured flings with the likes of Sharon O to mention but a few. If you are doing your third year as a bank teller, we are sorry but female drama won’t be following you around. Drama won’t be following broke guys.

Rural swag
The only rich men who spend their time announcing to the whole world how they are rich are those who spent large parts of their life commuting between their huts and the village well. Money surprises them and that’s how they can afford to splash money around with little or no care. If you want to be like those guys, take the early morning bus to the countryside and examine how your folks handle money. Give one of them money and if he doesn’t throw a party, he has probably lost it. Give him more money and monitor the situation again.
There you go. Be like the Rich Gang.

DISCLAIMER

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

More in Features & Profiles