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How to be…the mysterious Jack Pemba


WHO ARE YOU? He has quite an outstanding smile that you cannot miss at a social event. That, his flamboyant outfits and excess money-splashing are what define Jack Pemba. If you have not heard of him from sports circles, you have probably seen him in society pages.

Socialite Jack Pemba is no stranger to the Kampala social scene. In fact, chances are that the widest smile at any themed top brow party around Kampala will belong to Jack Pemba. It is kinda like his trademark. He is always beaming with a smile. Pemba came out of nowhere to become a mainstay on the party scene. By the way, where do all these so called moneyed socialites come from? Please guys, do the world one huge favour and go back where you came from. We are tired. You continue to kill our brain cells with your foolery. The mysterious Pemba burst onto the scene as a sports philanthropist who mainly bankrolled bodybuilder Ivan Byekwaso’s career but also supported other sports such as boxing, kickboxing etc. His generosity has also extended to charity causes and bars. One moment his dime is saving a child’s life and the next, it is catering for an open bar in some random nightclub. But these chaps who try to buy alcohol for everyone at the bar should be jailed. What are you trying to prove? Pemba has made peeps drink themselves senseless in another of his money-splashing episodes. Did I mention that he is flamboyant and loves his women taller than him? And that he finds it marginally criminal to walk out in public without some random chick hanging on his sleeves. Unfortunately, the flamboyant ‘tycoon’ has not been too happy recently. Apparently he was arrested for drug trafficking, money laundering and is still being investigated thoroughly. To be as generous as Pemba, here are my idle man’s tips.

Jack Pemba

Shock yourself and be generous
If there is anything peeps in Uganda hold close to their chests, it is their wallets. You don’t need rocket science here. Ask anyone for dimes, especially these days and you will be shocked at how fast they coil into kamooli. The only thing they are generous at is giving away compliments. Those come wrapped well and delivered there and then. Dimes are a sensitive issue my friend. But no, most Ugandans are just plain mean scoundrels. Asking anyone for dime is like vibing them. No wonder I gave up. They only give out money really fast when they are mobilising for mabugo (condolence money). God please redeem the world of Ugandans. Socialite Jack Pemba’s charity efforts are something we can learn from. Give back to society in whatever way you can. For some of you, the only thing you are giving back to society is a bunch of unclaimed babies. Zip up brothers. Decide for once that you will cheat on your beloved waragi for a more attractive cause like looking after orphaned children. If you would like to blow money in bars, make sure you have anything to blow. Y’all are broke, period!

Be mysterious
Jack Pemba is as mysterious as they come. His sources of wealth are still questionable. It seems it is not just the gossip world asking those questions but also the police. There are rumours that he conned some White lady of some loot, is involved in some shady gold deals and sells drugs. Mbuuuuuuu! But why don’t these tycoons want to reveal where they get dime? Ordinary mortals like you and I can be open enough to reveal that without sports betting, our butts would be kissing hoes back in the village. Some of you are plain thieves and your entire neighbourhood knows this. Change your ways.
To be like Pemba though, you will have to ‘lie low like an envelope’. We all know that one guy who dresses nice, looks good but doesn’t have a job. There you are. Reading this with utmost guilt. Boss, tell your neighbor where you got that sleek phone you have at the moment. If you are visiting some shrines or suckling a sugar mummy’s beaten titties, we shall find out. Anyway, make people think that they know you yet they know nothing about you. Your moves are top secret. Too bad some of you throw every single part of your life on social media and will leave nothing to the imagination. Pemba’s background is blurred, especially how he got his ever-flowing money.

Be flamboyant
I never knew short men had it in them. He likes the high-brow events with many flashy cameras, posh cars, shiny suits and basically an extravagant lifestyle. He likes the lifestyle you certainly won’t get by selling insurance at your miserable office or another of those unfancied commission-based jobs. He loves those women you are sure you would never date if you were a mechanic in Katwe. You know those stunning light-skinned ones who sniff wealth from a hug? Okay you get my point? Yes, those ones.
To be like Pemba, you will have to ditch that attire of a supermarket attendant for that of an upcoming Congolese musician. For a flashy lifestyle, you can start with getting a little closer to your mum’s bestie.
There you have it. Go be like Jack Pemba.

@InK_era35

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

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