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How to be …the holier than thou Fr Lokodo


The fighter. When Makerere University professor, Dr Stella Nyanzi bared it all for us to see this week, Ethics minister, Fr Simon Lokodo was fast to call for her arrest. Like it is typical of the good clerical minister, he only shows face at such times. Ian Ford Nkera writes.

Fr Simon Lokodo, the Minister of Ethics and Integrity has this somewhat special talent to get people’s tempers flaring with his unpopular remarks. There is nothing that he says that is warmly embraced by the public. His statements have often sparked controversy in many circles and become a subject of debate in boardrooms, offices, or even markets.
The Reverend mastered the art of getting the whole country talking. Occasionally, it has got to the point where you wish he was locked out of office for one month, but when you think of Dr Stella Nyanzi’s nude protest, you don’t want a repeat scenario. Those scenes would be blasphemous, for lack of a better word.
If that is the case, Fr Simon Lokodo can stay in his office for all we care. During his tenure as Ethics minister, he has championed the Anti-miniskirt law ,which is currently the most needless law in the entire history of the Constitution. He also recently suggested the purchase of a pornography detecting machine worth a whooping Shs2.6b to fight what he thinks is Uganda’s biggest problem; pornography. Would you imagine that?
Let’s all pray for our country. If you want to be like the maverick Fr Simon Lokodo, here is your trusted guide:

Double Standards?
Fr Lokodo is a Karimojong whose culture dictates that you don’t see a lot of clothing in your lifetime. Fr Lokodo must have strutted his stuff bare for his family and neighbours to see as a boy, but is now a strong critic of miniskirts — double standards! I am sure that when he returns home from a long day of work, he lets everything hang loose, if you know what I am saying.
Let’s take a moment to single out the very passionate Born Again Christians who show up on Sundays at Church with Club Amnesia stamps still fresh on their palms. Mbu, we are all sinners and no one is perfect. Please, who are you fooling? You find a woman singing “Hallelujah” in church as she carries a second pregnancy outside wedlock. We see you. It’s called Lokodoism.

“I am also working” Principle
You know that time when you are bored and have no work at office, so you start pacing up and down to show your boss that you are busy? Oh the things people do to get a pay-raise! You find a guy doing a marathon around the office to look good in the eyes of his boss. I think Fr Lokodo gets bored too and chances on weird issues to dwell on.
Do you remember when young men around town thought they had seen the last of miniskirts in Kampala after the minister vowed to arrest any chick in a miniskirt? Fast forward to 2016 and miniskirts are still with us, giving us entertainment and also exposing some of the most ravaged pairs of legs you will ever see in this town.
Mbu government should purchase a pornography detector. To detect what? We live in the face of porn. You don’t search for it, porn in this city looks for you.
To be like Fr Lokodo, it is important to show that you are not irrelevant. Do you know the guy who is always running to the office printer to pick some work? That guy with the serious look? Be that guy. Such guys are always in the boss’ good books.

Become a priest
The way Fr Lokodo’s has a bitterness towards women, you cannot help but imagine that there is a woman that broke his heart and forced him to choose a life of celibacy. That vendetta is not for nothing!
The Father is very fast to condemn women when issues of immorality pop up and will go many lengths to see that they are reprimanded. Guys, if you are tired of women toying around with you and fleecing you of all your money, all roads lead to the Seminary. Denounce your feelings towards women, and dedicate your life to serving the Lord. I am not too sure many young men can make this sacrifice because most of them live for women.
We all know that one guy who wouldn’t survive without getting some love from women. They would rather die than miss out on a sexual relationship. Well, if you admire the chastity with which Fr Lokodo approaches his work, it is time to stop chasing the ladies, and choose the Holy Path.

Be controversial
For a man who is ever courting controversy, Fr Lokodo does it very well. He makes the wrong statements at the worst times. Everytime he speaks, the tabloids go crazy and comedians even get material for their numerous skits. He is that kind of person. Look at the number of friends you piss off, or the friends who keep leaving you. If your numbers are growing with each month, my friend, you are outshining Fr Lokodo.
There you go. Go ahead and be like Fr Simon Lokodo.

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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