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How to be the high-flying Uganda Cranes


38 years later. Like a barren woman, it took the Uganda Cranes more than three decades to finally deliver hope. The national team couldn’t make us prouder. Ian Ford Nkera writes.

After 38 long years of heartbreaks, the Uganda Cranes finally made us proud by qualifying for the 2017 Africa Cup of Nations in Gabon. A special shout out to everyone who felt that the boys would blow it again this time. Well, shame on us the bloody pessimists. The boys outdid themselves and will be kicking major butt in Gabon.
When Farouk Miya sent the ball flying into the roof of the net, Ugandans went wild. I went nuts. It was a bewildering moment. Decades of tears and lost hope were recovered in just one flash of brilliance by a super player. It is a story you wish to tell your grandchildren. You know, about the day history was re-written in front of a fully-packed Namboole stadium. Millions of others watched from bars, homes, and various makeshift viewing points. If you have followed the Cranes keenly, you know that it was not always smooth sailing. They have always been too close yet too far. One thing they have done successfully though, was to raise your hopes and blood pressure at the same time. Their games nervy and a test of emotions.
Most of the time, fans vowed never to return to support but eventually they did. The results sucked, sometimes they did not. Luck eluded the team for long. It was crazy but here we are, basking in their glory. To be like the all-conquering Uganda Cranes team, here is your manual:

Flatter to deceive
Ever seen a hot classy chick walk through town and you wonder which part of the world she comes from? Many of you drool embarrassingly as you try to steal a glance. Shameless Ugandans! It is all fun and games until that fine specimen stumbles on her heels and falls flat on a busy Kampala street. When fine chick lands to the ground like a sack of yams, it is never a sight to behold, especially for bystanders. Chicks feel mortified. She may lose her esteem for weeks. Cranes have been similar. They look good on the eye before they find a way to ruin the excitement and appeal. Well, that is until recently.
Some of us might know chaps who drive sleek Mercedes Benz cars but you occasionally find them by the roadside stranded with a ka jerrycan – anti when kafuta is done. Something does not add up. More like Uganda Cranes’ 38-year-old long wait to go to the Afcon finals. Be that person who falters unexpectedly. Learn from the falls.

Deliver on promise… finally
The Uganda Cranes delivered after many years of trying. The team looked completely impregnable. In many villages, no one wants the barren woman. They are scorned day and night. Those ‘unfortunate’ to be married to them are called all sorts of names. The weak ones leave their women at the first chance. Not the fans of the Uganda Cranes. It has been a marriage of turmoil. From Obua to Massa, we have seen all the promising ovaries die with nothing to show. Now 38 years of a barren spell are behind us. The baby is here. All the village chaps are checking us out like “that could have been us”. The joke is on the them finally.
To be like the Uganda Cranes, be the so called ‘barren’ woman who stays and tries. She stays through the insults and after a while, she delivers a bouncing baby boy. That is how you silence noisy neighbours.

Storm the Promised Land Miya-style
We are off to Gabon baby. No questions asked this time. We hope Africa missed us because we are coming back full throttle, to crash the party. We shall simply be like the ‘summer’ who got held up at the airport for a few hours but is now back home. Trust me, after 38 years away from home, you want everything. You want to eat everything African. Bite off some Ivorian pig ears, make off with Congolese gold and impregnate a ka hot Algerian woman. It is Africa’s biggest party and we shall be there, to cause havoc. We shall bring the roof down with a Miya rocket.
To be like the Uganda Cranes, storm the party in style, especially if you have been away too long. Grab all the chicken wings and plunge them into your stomach.
Gabon won’t be ready for us. There you go. Be like the Uganda Cranes
Twitter: @spoiltbrat88

DISCLAIMER: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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