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How to be… the confused Leila Kayondo

Beautiful but… While everyone was looking forward to entering the New Year, many were also baying for SK Mbuga’s blood for battering his partner Leila Kayondo. But in a dramatic turn of events, many are now baying for Leila’s blood. How do you turn tables that fast? Ian Ford Nkera guides on how to be Leila Kayondo.
For a few hours, musician Leila Kayondo had become a hero for every girl stuck in an abusive relationship. She posted an emotional Facebook message asking the Inspector General of Police to arrest her estranged lover SK Mbuga who had severely battered her. This post went viral on social media and eventually sparked public outcry to have the businessman arrested. Mbuga was arrested, but it was not long before Leila retracted her earlier statement.
In a surprise twist of events, Leila quickly forgave her man and pleaded with the police to release him. (This girl has surely got some nerve!). The whole incident was mistimed, largely embarrassing and a huge slap in the face to any victim of domestic violence.
The Relaxing singer is no stranger to controversy. Her relationship with the married SK Mbuga has always been news fodder for Kampala’s gossip pages and has elevated her to the unfancied throne of Kampala’s Number one side chick.
As far as her music career is concerned, the long wait for a major breakthrough has been on for a while but we can only wish her the best. So,if you want to be like Leila Kayondo, here is your guide:

If you want it, chase it
Leila has been on the hunt for music stardom these last years. Some of her music has not been too good and a few other songs have been commendable. That Relaxing collabo with Jose Chameleone was quite the banger and her videos have gotten better by the year.
While her talent is questionable, her ‘never give up’ attitude is not. That is a positive and a leaf to pluck from her book. To be like Leila Kayondo, you do not have to do it right but keep on doing it. Eventually you will get it right. Your quest for success should not rely much on morals. Even if your sister’s husband is one lay from your dream job, take the plunge. It is only God who will judge you. Leila has been ‘upcoming’ for years but her determination has not withered, so shouldn’t yours.

Professional side chick?
Side chicks have become a huge cog in our society that you have to take them seriously. They used to be mere afterthoughts but are slowly coming out into the open. Side chicks now live in the main house, publicly dine with someone’s husband and they have moved from guest houses to owning their own homes. Obviously funded by their generous misters.
Leila is one person who has embraced the side chick role and to many, she is Mbuga’s main chick. This isn’t true though. Wait… did someone say she was upgraded from side to main chick? If your boyfriend’s wife is Messi, become his Neymar. That way, you will faintly become like Leila. At all times, try to outshine your “co-wife”. If his wife is the kind that is taken to burials, be the one that is taken to Blankets and Wine.
Do not sell yourself short. Dress sassy and ooze the kind of sexiness that his wife can only dream of. Side chicks are getting more tactical by the day and if you are willing to play someone’s side wheel, do it with class. Make him buy you a Hummer while his wife drives a Toyota Progres.

Be legally blonde
Leila Kayondo wrote a Facebook post (with the worst grammar ever), appealing to Kayihura to arrest her lover SK Mbuga. Mbu the guy “was punching her to nobody’s notice”. Her face was disfigured and we all became sorry for her. The feminists jumped out of hiding and all victims of domestic abuse were calling for SK Mbuga’s head. The dude was arrested, and guess who wanted him out? The accuser herself. Everything looked staged and annoying.
If you want to be like Leila Kayondo, just be blonde. Be that one chick who would prefer a date in a restaurant in Somalia just because she is in love. When the sign clearly reads “Beware of Dogs” be the one person who will insist on checking in. Madame, those dogs will bite your head off.
There you go. Be like the beautiful but rather controversial singer, Leila Kayondo.


This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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