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How to be the billion-shillings Specy

kazibwee

Not cheap. Yes, that is how much worth former vice president, Dr Speciosa Wandira Kazibwe is worth. She needed billions for a doctorate course at Harvard, billions to lobby for an AU job and, of course, billions will disappear in a project she is overseeing. You want to attract billions like Specy? Ian Ford Nkera has your guide.

Allow me call Dr Speciosa Wandira Kazibwe “Specy”, for just today. Well, Specy is by far the most expensive job seeker in history, needing almost a jaw-dropping Shs1b to land a job which she embarrassingly lost out on. Let that sink in for a second. Shs1b to lobby for a single job? Jesus, please take the wheel.
Don’t forget that she also sourced for billions in tuition from the government for her doctorate course at Harvard University some many years ago. I am certain Makerere University students wouldn’t be too amused by this. Billions rained her way during her tenure as vice president and they also slipped through her hands rather dubiously.
Some Shs3.4b meant for a valley dams project went myeee, never to be seen again. Dimes also meant for some microfinance project went missing and guess who was named in the scandal? The droopy-eyed former vice president, Speciosa Wandira Kazibwe.
Specy is our billion-shillings girl and by that, I mean spending it and not so much accounting for it, although as vice president, she was active in advocating women’s rights and starting many projects to teach women on how they can be self-sustaining.
To be like Africa’s first ever female vice president, here is your guide:

Be an overachiever
Dr Kazibwe was the first woman to be appointed vice president in Uganda at a time when women were afraid to join politics. She was a Member of Parliament, a medical doctor by profession and the second most powerful person in the country.
Today, we still have women whose major achievement is the number of ‘likes’ they get on a photo posted on social media or the number of stilettos racked up in their closet. We have women with more unclaimed children than degrees to show for their time at school. Achievement has been reduced to who can down a Jameson bottle in record time or who can bed the most girls in a clique.
To be like Kazibwe, study as much as you can and garner degrees. Expand your knowledge, read books and not just odds at a betting centre. Go to school and if you cannot afford, get the whole village to contribute to your cause. Reach out for top jobs. It does not matter if you must ‘pay’ to get yourself in, just show ambition.

‘Controversy Specy’
Dr Kazibwe is no stranger to controversy. A number of government scandals have gotten her in hot water in the past. Whenever her name is mentioned, it is in relation to a few billion shillings whose whereabouts are being questioned. Also, the money that has gone into educating her and campaigns for the AU Commission job has raised eyebrows. She has cost taxpayers several billions.
Well, to be like Kazibwe, you will first of all need to have access to the big monies. A stint on the roadside as a muchomo roasting guru won’t get you so far. Get placed strategically in positions where you can smell the dimes. Begin by fronting yourself to become the Treasurer of your ‘kibiina’. Be the person they trust 100 per cent with their money. If at all it goes missing, blame a few people and before you know it, people will have forgotten. Ignore the lugambo peddlers who might claim that you took the money. Trust me, no one will listen to them. They know who you are. LOL!

Don’t seek the job, be the job
Dr Speciosa Kazibwe insulted all job seekers out there, the ones who are desperate for work, walking every inch of ground in the city looking for anything they can do. The ones who say, “me I can work for anything” or the ones whose shoe soles have been eaten away because of endless walks to various organisations in vain.
Dr Kazibwe was handed more than Shs1b to help her get her dream job. Is she still a job seeker or the job itself? Mehn, give any young Ugandan Shs1b to hunt for a job and you can be sure that they won’t turn up for the interview the next day. Greedy chaps just.
As much as Dr Kazibwe lost her bid for the AU job, I am not too sure she felt the pinch.
To be like Dr Kazibwe, always pounce on opportunities. Convince people that you entirely care about their welfare but when they celebrate your woes, the joke will be on them. Who will be smiling all the way to the bank?
There you have it. Go ahead and be like Dr Speciosa Wandira Kazibwe.

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

nzamunda@gmail.com
Twitter: @spoiltbrat88

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