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How to be …Rtd Col Besigye


Resilient: Dr Besigye has been the face of the Opposition in Uganda for the past 15 years. He has braved jail, tear gas and his home being besieged on several occasions. Ian Ford Nkera guides on how to be like Besigye who never gives up the fight.

Former FDC president Kizza Besigye could be the Arsene Wenger of Ugandan politics. If you have followed Wenger’s managerial career and happen to be an Arsenal fan, I am sure you have been intrigued by his charisma and drive but grown impatient with his inability to consistently bring trophies home. Besigye’s story hasn’t been far different. The retired soldier cum doctor has been relentless in his fight against the NRM regime but thrice losing the presidential elections to President Museveni and currently trying out another shot at the Holy Grail. Like Wenger, who has grown so used to fourth place in the Premier League, Dr Kizza Besigye has been baptised the ‘near-man’ of Ugandan politics. He has always looked so near yet so far from claiming the country’s top office. Kizza Besigye is currently embedded in a battle for the FDC presidential flag bearer position with his long time colleague Maj Gen Mugisha Muntu and is hotly tipped to win. If you ever wanted to be like the veteran politician, here is your guide:

Seasoned politician
Kizza Besigye has been around for a while. The guy was President Museveni’s personal doctor back in the bush but the two have since fallen out. He is also a smart politician who has kept the President on his toes for the past decade with his blunt yet abrasive style of politicking. Over the years, he has been very consistent about one thing, which is the quest to remove President Museveni. He is more obssessed with seeing him go than anything else in the world. If you are ever going to be like Kizza Besigye, you will have to be brave to the core. Fight for a cause but don’t just sit there yawning in your couch from time to time. Instead of complaining about why they don’t serve you beer with a glass at your favourite bar, complain about national issues like corruption. Demand things such as electoral reforms, not whinning about why Falcao simply can’t score goals.

Say no to defeat
To be like the mighty Kizza Besigye, you must never ever admit defeat. Besigye who has contested three times for the presidency is still yet to concede defeat. Mbu he is like Wenger. Guys please keep quiet. Funny how he always complains that elections are not free and fair but still participate. Be the guy who is constantly turned down by a chick he is vibing but is quick to bad mouth her in public and still try his luck with her in secret. In short, be the student who complains that the marking system is biased against him but still shows up very early in the morning to sit for yet another retake hoping that the results will miraculously change this time round.

Kizza Besigye hasn’t known a thing called harmony for much of his political career. If you enter Besigye’s world, you are greeted by a not so rosy perfume called tear gas. Besigye calls jail cells home and as you sit comfortably in your fancy Harrier, Besigye’s bossoms have grown so accustomed to the metallic floors of Police trucks. It’s become normal for him to get arrested time and again that you believe he might be married to trouble. To be anything like Besigye, build something of a dare-devil personality. Do you know when the priest asks if there is anyone in the congregation that doesn’t approve of a certain couple getting wedded in church? Be the guy that boldy raises his arm. Be the guy that protests anything. If your pay TV signal goes off, mobilise your village to take a walk to their offices in protest. Do this with a good lawyer as back up.

Walk to work
Someone will ask mbu how can I? If a whole veteran politician can carry his schoolbag and head to work on foot, then who are you? Besigye saw it best to park his many cars and embark on a strict walk-to-work routine for a few months with some people, especially the police not buying into his creative scheme of saving dimes. Anti, the dollar is not playing games. Unless you stay in places as far as Namugongo where you board about four taxis heading there, the walk -to-work scheme is quite possible. If you want to be like Kizza Besigye, its time to ditch your fancy suede shoes for the ‘Legend Of Patagonia’. A shoe that can handle all terrains. If your chicks start noticing how you look different, tell them current conditions have forced you to. If you are a city lady who did their elementary school in places such as Manafwa, stop posing that you can’t walk. We all know about your trips to and from your village well.
There you go. Go ahead and be like Rtd Colonel Warren Kizza Kifeefe Besigye.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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