To Top

How to be Robert Gabriel Mugabe


Clinging on. For a man who is one of the most educated presidents in the world, you would think Robert Mugabe would know better than clinging onto power at 92 years old. The once-Zimbabwe messiah is now loathed by his countrymen and other world leader alike. Ian Ford Nkera tells you why.

Zimbabwe’s president Robert Mugabe has often left many confused about his true place in African history. The maverick leader, at some point was the darling of Zimbabwe and Africa, specifically for ending the White man’s control of his country. In history books, his legacy, together with those of other revolutionaries like Nelson Mandela, and Julius Nyerere did not seem under threat at all. He was hailed as Zimbabwe’s messiah because of how he transformed the country. The country had one of the fastest growing economies and was the envy of many other countries in Africa.
Unfortunately, this has not been the case over the past few years. His running battles with neighbouring leaders or even those of powerful nations in Europe and America have done little to sustain economic relationships between Zimbabwe and those countries. He has also blasted anyone that has tried to talk him into retiring as president.
At 92, he is the oldest serving president and his reluctance to relinquish power seems to have watered down his legacy in history. The cantankerous leader has never been one to hold his cards so close to his chest and has been clear on his intention to hold onto power for as long as he feels fit to carry on.
If you feel you want to be like Robert Gabriel Mugabe, here is your guide:

Short man complex
Don’t we all hate how short people love clamouring for attention? They want to stand on everyone’s head to be seen. They always have their opinions and it is almost a crime not to agree with them. And trust me, you don’t want to be at the receiving end of a short person’s hot temper. They will scream, roll on the floor and do many other odd things.
Give a short man power and money then watch how he stomps on everyone. President Robert Mugabe fits the short man stereotype perfectly. The guy simply won’t allow you to look down on him, and I also mean this literally. You simply just don’t look down on Robert Mugabe.
If you are a grown man who stands at anything below 5ft, our prayers are with you. Sebo, how does it feel down there? We also know things such as being controlling come naturally to you. If you are short, look around and examine how many people can’t stand you or how many girlfriends have left you. The more irritable you discover yourself to be, the closer you are to being like the immortal Robert Mugabe.

Mr going nowhere
At 92, it is fair to say anyone would have slowed down. It’s a miracle for anyone to live that long, therefore you wonder how Mugabe manages to keep his ailing bones together. You don’t get many 92-year-olds falling off staircases and coming back stronger (LOL).
Mugabe has made it a habit to kiss the turf a few times on his trips to meetings but still manages to walk it off with the swagger of a 106-year-old tortoise. It is this false confidence that has fooled him into clinging onto power for 36 years.
To be like Robert Mugabe, you must be the ultimate no-quitter. Hold onto your job for dear life. And by this, I mean that it is only death that should take you away from your job. You should leave your office going to your casket. You don’t retire unless God calls you. Mugabe has illustrated this well.

Mr smart president
Robert Mugabe is one of the most educated presidents in Africa or even the world. Dude has about seven degrees. Would you imagine that Mugabe has seen that many blackboards? It is strange because we all know how Mugabe hates being lectured on anything, let alone education. You pity the people who had to endure the painful ordeal of lecturing him. Guy is too stubborn and smart. His speeches have often left all those European shamefuls looking very outwitted and intellectually outclassed.
If you want to be burnt, engage Robert Mugabe. The dude will burn you. To be like Robert Mugabe, empower yourself with knowledge. You don’t have to flood every university for a degree. Learn from the masters of different trades. Talk to people in higher places. If only we studied valuable things the way we study people’s body parts in leaked nudes, Uganda would be a better place.
There you go. Be like Robert Mugabe but whatever you do, never get slapped by your wife.

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

More in Features & Profiles

  • Some people deserve my diva attitude

    super model vibes: Stacie Aamito Lagum is headlining Kampala Fashion Week for the second time. The event runs from October 20...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 21, 2016
  • Hustler: Linda Pacy Katusiime

    TALKING DESIGNS: Linda Katusiime started her business by doing deliveries for friends and relatives. Bringing in items from Turkey, Germany, China...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 21, 2016
  • How to be Mr Safe Hands Denis Onyango

    CATCHING BALLS: He may not be able to save you from your financial woes, but shoot any ball in his direction...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 21, 2016
  • Zil escaped from class to sing

    Early dreams: He is only 25, but for him, it is already a story of grass to grace. Zil Nantamegwa started...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 21, 2016
  • Kalifah has never called anyone dad

    REINVENTING SELF: Since the flop of his concert, singer Kalifah Aganaga has been a little quiet. Last we heard, he had...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 15, 2016
  • People had hijacked my life – Faridah

        New beginnings: Social media was on Tuesday awash with photos of Faridah Nakazibwe’s wedding to boyfriend, Dr Omar Ssali...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 15, 2016
  • What Queen of Katwe means to them

    Katwe experience: Based on the vibrant story of Phiona Mutesi, whose world rapidly changes when she is introduced to the game...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 7, 2016
  • How to be… the no-nonsense Jennifer Musisi

    KCCA bosslady: She is probably the most popular woman in Kampala, and no – not for scandals or anything else, but...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 7, 2016
  • Meet a celeb : How Pablo wants to be remembered

    Rib-cracker: He is among the first Stand up comedians in Uganda. Today Kenneth Kimuli aka Pablo is a household name in...

    Christine NakalungiOctober 7, 2016