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How to be …Peter Sematimba..rrrr


The wanna-be: He is known for being a neat freak, paying more than enough attention to his looks, exaggerating his American accent, and for his too much ambition. He left a mark on radio in his heydays, and now Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be that guy most people love to hate – Peter Sematimba.

While your average man will settle for a simple haircut at the barber’s, people such as Peter Sematimba may choose to up it a little; trim their eyebrows, get some wax treatment and end the makeover with the expert touch of Rashid, the manicurist.
That’s a faint picture of Peter Sematimba. This guy has a visible obsession with himself, so much that he will put in five times more work to look sharper than your ordinary man and also look suspecting prettier than your girlfriend.
If he isn’t lounging at the beauty parlour, Sematimba is running a host of many businesses, notably Super FM. He has previously nursed political ambitions twice, losing the Kampala mayoral seat to Nasser Ntege Ssebagala and Erias Lukwago. If you find the former DJ cum pastor admirable, here is how to walk in his shoes.

Hustle, hustle and hustle
It’s said there is nothing Sematimba hasn’t done for dime. Unsurprisingly, this man actually cleaned buildings during his stay in the US. The business is said to have been successful, leading him to open a host of other businesses.
He surely brought life into radio when he serenaded the ladies with his baritone voice during those Late Night radio shows and was also very instrumental in the establishment of CBS radio, particularly popularising the morning show.
This just hints on how hardworking and enterprising he is. If you are a lady and you are going to be anything like Sematimba, be the kind who walks out of a salon with wet vanish on your fingers and still rush to the kitchen and get your hands dirty.

Mayor to be… one day
Poor guy wanted to help you Kampalans and you rejected him. A Sematimba-led Kampala would have surely been a good look. This guy would have probably come straight into your bedroom to collect rubbish. He is a sucker for cleanliness, I bet he would throw up at the sight of filth and dirt.
His determination to change the fortunes of the city has seen him contest twice for the city mayoral post in vain. You can be the guy that never takes no for an answer. If that girl you so much desire turns you down, you can camp at her home and put up a show. Carry gifts or wash her dad’s car but whatever you do, don’t take no for an answer.

Coming To Americarrrrrr
If you are ever going to the US, utilise your time there and then return with a bang. That rural Masaka swag should be swapped for something more Hollywood. It doesn’t matter if you were cleaning utensils in some restaurant for a living, come back to Kampala and show them you lived the American dream. Speak with a heavy American accent that silences your Nkiima clan roots.

Married but single
You can be everything a married guy looks like. Just look responsible and rock that golden band you exchanged with your ‘wife’ on your wedding day. When people are too eager to know where you left your wife on a friend’s kwanjula, pull out your phone and browse through your photo gallery and show them. Give people the ‘she will be here for Christmas’ speech and they will forget. Kasta you always get her on Skype, so what do they care? Be the guy that is happily married but camps at Maimuna’s rolex stall for a quick dinner fix.

Metrosexual of the decade
Sematimba is in his 50s but looks nothing like his age. What, you guys are surprised? This guy was famous during the days of That’s Life Mwattu, so he surely can’t be that young. He takes care of himself in the most bizarre ways you can possibly think of in an attempt to remain young and look sharp. He will wear designer slim fit suits of all colours in the spectrum, apply buckets of makeup on his face and work out heavily to maintain a toned build and fit in with the young crowd. While your friends maybe the type that pile parking receipts in their cars, be the guy to have an assortment of eye pencils and a makeup kit to sort you out during those rush hours in jam.
‘I am the rightful heir’
You can be like that child the rich man took in as his son when you had nowhere to go. The rich man will love you like his own and naturally you will feel like you have earned yourself a spot in his heart. When the rich man passes on, logic will dictate that you are the right heir to all his property and you will speeden every process to have the property in your name until his long lost daughter comes back to gatecrash the party. For the lost souls, Sematimba is accused of having illegally claimed property of a deceased lawyer. So, there you have it, fit in those shoes.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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