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How to be …Noisy Frank Gashumba

Know-it-all: He seems to have a clue on almost everything, loves his daughter, and likes to have his good deeds captured on camera. Ladies and gentleman, Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be Frank Gashumba.

A morning radio show is never complete without a disgruntled Frank Gashumba ranting at the so called failed NRM regime and blaming it for all the country’s problems. He has no kind words for the lazy, uninnovative and English premier league-obsessed lot. It’s hard to believe that the Gashumba who came into the limelight as a humble guardian of Aisha Nabukeera, a fire victim, has evolved into an explosive and highly-opinionated character who will stop at nothing to spit venom at anyone who is taking the country backwards. You will find him everywhere. He could be that guy buying PK on the street or that man haggling for a shirt on the street. When you think you have seen him enough, you will run into him at a two-year-old’s baptism party giving one of his ‘self development’ speeches. So, how does he do that?

Big heart
His noise aside, Frank Gashumba has a good heart. When hope seemed lost for young Aisha Nabukeera, he took her on as her guardian. From that time onwards we have seen Gashumba play active roles in charity causes, including paying tuition fees for many disadvantaged children. You can always count on Gashumba to invite photographers to witness his ‘good deeds’. So you want to be this guy, be that person who calls a conference to announce that you are donating toothpaste to orphans. The world will listen.

Daddy of the year
I hear Gashumba and his daughter Sheila are tight. She is probably the only woman who can tolerate him and vets his potential mates. She is the one who approves of all the girlfriend tragedies that come to wreck Mr Gashumba’s life (mbu). Well, her taste is questionable but that’s a story for another day. He is her mentor and has been supportive of her TV career from a tender age. If you intend to be like Gashumba and you spend your entire afternoons mourning Arsenal losses instead of guiding your daughter through her homework, you are clearly doing it wrong. Fatherhood is a fulltime job and Gashumba has excelled at it.
Frank the coward
Gashumba complains like a pregnant woman with his ‘NRM this, NRM that’ talk. He has been pregnant with all these ideas about how a country should be run but is a coward to his skin. He walks around with the aura of an opposition leader attacking governement but insists that he is no politician. OHHH PLEASSSE! If you intend to be like this guy, at least be a coward who just shouts and never does anything.

Beautiful but unlucky
LOL! It’s laughable to think of Gashumba as anything close to beautiful but he is clearly one hell of a luckless lad when it comes to matters of the heart. The ladies come into his life just as quick as they go and I can’t be too surprised. Imagine a man who has an opinion on just about anything and will be very quick to weigh your intellect, your goals and dreams. It must be a turn-off for the ladies. No one can seem to measure up with him because of his unrealistic standards. His ideal woman simply doesn’t exist. Be the guy whose ideal woman is a decent, highly enterprising lady with lots of intellect, and yet look for that woman in bars and nightclubs.

Imaginary businessman
For a man who seems so passionate about business to the extent of going around Kampala preaching about the importance of entrepreneurship, one should have  a ka business on ground people know about. People to this day are still clueless on what kind of business he does and yet he brags with the ‘I am a businessman’ tag everywhere he goes. He goes on telling the youth about how they can start from one stall of tomatoes and grow bigger, but not a single business is known to be affiliated to him. A masquerader? It’s quite possible that he could be one. To be like Gashumba, you can start by being like that street guy who goes around hawking, “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” self help books but is yet to read or practice a thing or two.
So you admire Frank Gashumba so much,  go ahead, there is your guide.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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