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How to be… Jacob Oulanyah the strategist


Race to speaker. He is allover the news right now for expressing interest in taking over his boss’ job. Although we can say the guy is ambitious, many will look at him as a conniving snitch who has all along been plotting to take over at the top! But what do we know… it’s politics and only Ian Ford Nkera will break down what exactly it takes to be like Jacob Oulanyah.

At some point, we have all envied our bosses. We have all dreamt of taking home fat pay cheques, making employees quiver with fear when we walk through office or see them swinging around in those extravagantly assembled executive chairs.

We have all dreamt of lashing out at incompetent employees in work meetings but at the end of the day, all these fascinations remain in our heads. The painful reality is that some of us are destined to remain in our small cubicles for years as we fight office cockroaches and take home peanuts.
One person who will not, however, just sit around and stare is Jacob Oulanyah, the MP of Omoro County and the deputy speaker of Parliament. The dude wants his boss’ job, plain and simple. Oulanyah is vying to unseat Speaker Rebecca Kadaga in the hotly-contested race for the speakership of the 10th Parliament. The bow-tied Agricultural Economist and veteran lawyer has had an intriguing life. Here is how you can be like him:

Bring a bow-tie to all your battles
Everything about Jacob Oulanya’s look is forgettable until you see that trademark bow-tie of his. He always stands out every time because well, you can’t name many people who would don a bow-tie to a Parliamentary committee meeting.
His bow ties have no regard for occasion so much that he would probably walk out of a long day at Parliament and then walk straight into a ballroom dance without worry.
To be like Jacob Oulanyah, you cannot be seen to be obsessed with changing your look. Keep it repetitive and boring, as far as fashion is concerned. Wear the same old bow-tie to fun events like the Blankets and Wine or even the grim ones, like funerals. You won’t have many people raising eyebrows. For as long as you don’t look like a modern day Mr Bean, you are good to go.

Don’t just dream about your boss’ job… Take it!
Unless you work for Public Service where dinosaurs are ailing on their office desks, there is hope you can climb up the ranks. Declare your intentions already.
Jacob Oulanyah treaded on risky ground when he declared that he was going after Rebecca Kadaga’s job but he seems to be going strong. If you feel that your boss takes a lot of credit for your sweat, it is time to make it known that you want him replaced by none other than yourself.
To be able to achieve this, make sure that you have a back-up plan because such operations can turn ugly. Make sure you have a ka piggery project to fall back to when things go bad. If you want to take over your boss’ job, you have to be the biggest snitch around office. Be the guy always sneaking around as he looks for info to pin his boss. This wont make you the most popular guy out there, but at least you will get what you want. Opportunists always make it in life.

You are the winner, no matter what
During the general elections in early February, there was controversy that marred the Omoro County parliamentary elections where Jacob Oulanyah emerged the victor. After trailing his rival in the elections, Oulanyah was miraculously announced the winner even without the results being declared. Don’t ask too many questions. Dude runs his hood.
You can’t sit around waiting for villagers to vote for you when you can ‘do something about it’. Ballot boxes with pre-ticked ballots, all in Oulanya’s favour were found hidden in a salon after a tip-off. Like honestly, who thinks of hiding ballot boxes in a salon of all places?
If you are going to be like Jacob Oulanya, you can’t afford to lose honourably, for it’s a sign of weakness. Bully your way into power. If your children beat you at chess, carry the chessboard and walk. Do not entertain embarrassment. There is so much to lose.

When the kitchen gets hot, get out
Jacob Oulanya recently filed for divorce from his wife because well, his conjugal rights were not being catered to… mbu for close to eight months and he could not go another day without it. I am sure some married chaps laughed at him because many of them have gotten used to such treatment but still hang in there. Unfortunately not Oulanyah.
If you want to be like Jacob Oulanyah and walk out of a marriage because you are not getting served, denounce manhood now. You are not one of us.
There you go. Go ahead and be like Jacob Oulanyah.

DISCLAIMER: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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