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How to be Irene Ntale; good girl gone bad


Sembera girl. When Irene Ntale sang Gyobera, everyone loved the cheeky lyrics. They were playful and easy to hum out…years later, she dropped a song called Bikoola and her opening verse, my oh my! Ian Ford Nkera makes you understand what happened to the good girl.

Musician Irene Ntale has been on a roll over the past few years and it is not difficult to figure out why. She has been churning out hits at a rate that could only be rivalled by her unmatched speed at featuring in many of our local tabloids for all the wrong reasons. Musically though, Irene Ntale hasn’t put a single note wrong with almost every song a potential chart-topper. The hits have come in all forms; the bubble gum jams like Gyobera and the timeless ones such as Sembera. Dayum, that Sembera song will have you thinking about exes that never existed. It is pure food for the soul.
A huge part of Ntale’s success is owed to the dynamic team at Swangz Avenue. They have managed her career superbly. The transition from a regular bar singer to mainstream music star may have had its perks. In fact, it is a real hustle, but she has made her mark and a lasting one. She is leading a pack of hot and sassy young female crooners, along with Sheebah of course.
Ntale can comfortably say she ‘owns’ the industry right now. Unfortunately, what she might not claim to own is a real bum free of synthetics and sponge. Not my words. It would honestly hurt to realise that Irene Ntale’s sexy figure was the work of an underpaid jama in Singapore. The hunt for perfection can be real for our so-called celebs. Anyway, you wanna be like singer Irene Ntale, here is your guide:

Work your socks off
Talk about socks and guys will start shying away. It is never the eye-catching colours or the make of the socks that stand out. It is rather a fully-grown toe that craves for attention, bursting the sock open. Thankfully, it will be kept quiet by the shoe, unless of course you visit a friend and BOOM, there it is.
Good for many of you, we don’t mean working your socks off literally. Hello job seekers on the streets! You’ve got to put in the work. Irene Ntale is putting out hits every now and then. Her music is everywhere; in your ear, in the cars. If you are going to be like Irene Ntale, put in work. If it is talent, develop it and if it is anything else, take time to see it grow.
Forget about Illuminati, for he won’t rescue you. Ladies, let your friend’s daddy remain your friend’s daddy and not your roommate. Those shortcuts will kill you. And guys, sports betting is a trap, it won’t yield you much.

50 Shades of Irene Ntale
The first shade was the real Ntale. You know the chocolate-skinned innocent guitarist who crooned at Jazzville? The one who sang for hand claps and a bottle of soda? Yes, that one. The Ntale no one had heard about and who only cared about strumming her guitar for a bunch of night walkers. The 50th shade is a new creation. A fearsome transformation from analog to digital. Ntale has grown steadily lighter as the years go by. The Ntale of then wouldn’t probably recognise the one now. They would faint from shock.
To be like Ntale, you will have to divorce your current self. Ditch the Kalerwe welders look or that Kikuubo food vendor’s look. Darkness is evil, eliminate it. Cosmetics were made for humans so embrace them. Exhaust every cream out there.
The day your ex vibes you again without knowing it is you, that will be the time. It will be a time for celebration. You will not have just changed but evolved as well. If your bum is an extension of your back, Gazaland plaza will have your answer.

‘Our Man…..ifestation’
When Irene Ntale sung Gyobera, everyone loved the cheeky lyrics. They were playful and easy to hum out. Infact, they were good for those Grammy-winning bathroom singing sessions that never see the light of day. She basically talked about stalking a guy. Yes, she proclaimed her desperation. Some years later, a song called Bikoola drops and her opening verse goes like, “Oj’ onkombek’olabe gwe’ literally meaning. We shall spare you the English translation of that. Tabloids have since been awash with news of Ntale in mischievous acts; Mbu she is the ‘kifeesi’ of husbands’. Hmmm but people can talk!
To be like Irene Ntale, ignore the talk, keep your head up high and ignore the tabloid trash while you keep the hits coming. Eventually, the talkers will be fine.
There you have it. Go ahead and be like the beautiful Irene Ntale.
Twitter: @spoiltbrat88

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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