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How to be…Gambia’s Yahya Jammeh

STUCK LIKE GLUE: He once believed that he could cure his people of HIV/Aids and indeed he started administering a yellow drink and bananas to people who were living with the virus. Such ignorance! Yahya Jammeh is the kind of guy who is not sure of what he wants. Today he has handed over power and tomorrow he is taking it back.

One person definitely having sleepless nights is this jama Jammeh. After leading the tiny state of Gambia for 22 years, he was shown the boot under very strange circumstances. The guy lost an election. Would you imagine that? Like really, which incumbent African president do you know that just allowed to be beaten fwaaa in a petty ballot contest? After conceding defeat to Adama Barrow, Jammeh made a U-turn and dismissed the election results. But you can trust Ecowas and the Gambian people who stood their ground and sent the man packing. It is like these chaps who think that after dating a girl for many years, it is already guaranteed that she will be yours forever. Nothing! What are you doing dating a girl for seven years without marrying her? It is as if you are doing a ka course studying her. Chaps come from nowhere and bang you ‘busu’ while you are there taking things for granted. Jammeh surely didn’t see himself being toppled. This Barrow guy practically moved into his house on a weekday and bounced him to the boys’ quarters. Ouch! He now has to witness his wife being loved by a younger and better man from kamooli. It is a sore sight to behold. To be like the controversial outgoing president Yahya Jammeh, here is your guide:

Jammeh, the traditional healer
Jammeh is a crazy man. The guy believed that he was the only guy capable of curing people living with HIV/Aids and wait for it… mbu he would only be able to do this on Mondays and Thursdays — As if his powers choose days when to be active. He would administer a yellow drink and bananas on people living with HIV.
It remains to be seen if any patient was cured. He also said he could cure Asthma only between Friday and Saturday. Oh Jesus take the wheel!
To be like Jammeh, you either have to possess immense belief in yourself or smoke some of the best weed out of Jamaica. It is the latter that would make you feel remarkably invincible even to think that you would heal people from a virus as complicated as HIV/Aids. If your weed is from Katanga, the only thing you are curing is a hangover. Don’t get too confident of yourself.

Be ruthless
Jammeh was probably ‘high’ on too much power and influence. He could say or do anything the way he wanted. He hated gay people and was very public about his dislike for them. He once vowed to behead them if he caught any in the act. Imagine this madness. Journalists lived in fear because he never allowed any form of criticism. Some were even rumoured to be killed. The country was in bondage. Do you know a partner who tight marks you everywhere, even in the toilet? That chick who always digs into your phone messages looking for God knows what. That partner you can’t be yourself around or the kind to make you hide a huge appetite and any bad habits. We all know such a person in our lives but however obsessive or annoying that person is, none can compare to the intolerance and nosy nature of Jammeh. Some try hard to come close though.
To be like Yahya Jammeh, you might just need to sell your soul to the devil. The guy didn’t give two hoots about his people or anyone. Too bad many of you sell your souls to have breakfast on your table. Just saying!

Mr Pashing on job
For our jama Jammeh, he thought that 22 years at the helm would guarantee an election victory. His peeps weren’t having any of it. They were tired of his portly self. Guys, the lady gets tired. She gets tired of you. Yes, you and your tired old self. The same Kakeeto swinging his pot belly in and out of pork joints; she gets tired of the false promises of marrying her. She gets tired of sitting home like a teddy bear while her friends are making something of their lives. Surprise! Surprise! There is someone waiting on the touchline, laughing at your stupidity. They crave your position and are willing to make it their own.
To be like Jammeh, ignore the signs of danger. Play blind to your partner’s cries and watch your neighbour take up the mantle from you. Sleep brother. Sleep as Sekyewa crawls up your sheets.
Well there you have it. Go ahead and be like Yahya Jammeh.

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