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How to be … Gaetano Kaggwa

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Don’t care who is watching: To be like Uganda’s first Big Brother rep, you have to live life like no one is watching, writes Ian Ford Nkera

Never did we get a man so celebrated for his bedroom curricular activities like the legendary Gaetano Kaggwa down in Kampala. He dined with the president, had a fleet of cars welcome him at the airport and he had the media trail him for months. To be honest, he was the first bonafide celebrity these Kampala streets had ever seen. Everything he did was newsworthy from the nightspots he visited to the girls he purportedly dated. He was that much of a big deal back then.
How did he do it? Simple. As a budding law student in 2003. He figured he could profit much more from breaking the law rather than protecting it. He emerged on our televisions as this baldy Ugandan representative in the much-anticipated reality TV show Big Brother. His only job was not to do anything really with cameras watching and get paid handsomely for it. He decided to outdo himself when he cultivated his entire body into the more than willing South African beauty, Abby Plaatjes, on camera and didn’t even get the big pay cheque. What resulted was a premature romance between the two, multiple endorsement deals and a successful TV career. If you want to be like Gaetano, here is your guide.

Schemer
Unlike other Big Brother contestants who have fallen off the grid after getting booted out of the Big Brother House, Gaetano pounced on the moment and made the best out of it. As housegirls, barmaids and corporates were still discussing if he really “did it”, the dude was hosting shows on television and radio. What was mere hype became frenzy. The waters became too sweet that the only mention of law school was in interviews and that his law dreams had been buried. He never stepped into the law class ever again. If you are ever going to be like Gaetano, play your cards right. Be that guy at office, whose relationships are strategic. Always be at your boss’ mercy if you want that promotion. Be the guy to fix him evening tea at office and if the worst comes to the worst, pick his children from school and buy him PK at the canteens. You know what you want.

Marry when you want
Before Gaetano got married, the public haunted him to find someone he could call a wife. As the pressure mounted, Gaetano wasn’t fazed. He remained casual about the whole thing, lived his life as a bachelor and never for a second leaned towards pressure from anyone to marry. As the idea of priesthood became a possibility, Gaetano shocked everyone when he wedded a beautiful Ruth Rukikaire.The doubters were left with tongues wagging. Being like Gaetano will require you to switch off the alarm clock on marriage completely. You should exhaust your bachelor years as much as possible. Tell those annoying sengas to get off your back and if you have someone you intend to marry, make them wait diligently.

Be hardworking
Gaetano always has something up his sleeves all the time. If he isn’t hosting a big time television show, he is into acting. He also owns one of the most popular bars in town called Zone 7 that has stood the test of time. The workaholic in Gaetano Kaggwa is evident in everything he does. If you want to be like the famed TV and radio host, it’s time to change your address from the betting centre around town and look for a place more productive. If you spend more time writing Facebook posts than proposals, it’s time to do some serious self-evaluation.

You should have guts
The entire Kaggwa lineage had to witness their golden boy and son on camera get busy under the sheets with Abby. I can only imagine who held the remote when all this happened. You will require the guts of a Spartan warrior if you are ever going to reach the feats of Gaetano Kaggwa. If you still hide from your wife while dressing up, Gaetano won’t give you the thumbs up.
If your doctor demands a full diagnosis on your body, be bold enough to throw down your pants and allow him examine you fully. Gaetano set the bar high on doing ‘grown up things’ so to prepare you well. How about you taking a shower on the balcony of your house. This is to prepare you for impossible tasks like walking around naked on camera. Gaetano’s perceived specialty.
There you have it. Feel free to be like Gaetano Kaggwa.

DISCLAIMER

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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