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How to be … Fat Boy

FOREVER A BOY:  To be like Fat Boy, you have to run away from possible responsibility and shun things such as marriage and having children, writes Ian Ford Nkera

So what does a man do after a long day of fieldwork? He looks around for a decent bar playing nice music so that he cools off over a cold beer. He then decides to sit down at this nightspot and incidentally there is a party going on. He realises that he is probably in the wrong place and starts to walk out only to be asked by an old friend to stick around for which he agrees and enjoys the festivities like an esteemed invited guest.
If there was ever a character to play out that skit, James Onen aka Fat Boy would be the perfect fit. At any party, Fat Boy always has that pedestrian look like he was probably just passing by and never cordially invited. He will pick out any casual shirt he can find before blending it with a pair of old jeans and finally capping the look with his trademark colonial Back To School Shoes and head out for a formal event.
While you can fault him for questionable taste in clothes, you can’t do the same for his enviable intellect and wit. The Commerce graduate cum radio presenter is a seasoned debater who could floor anyone on a good day with cutting edge opinion on issues of religion and marriage. A devout atheist and long serving bachelor, he has chosen to commit only to his video games and live a life of solitude. You want to be like Mr Onen, there is your guide

LOL……What is God?
As you Born Agains are busy glorifying God the Father, God The Son and God the Holy Spirit, Fat Boy is probably looking at you guys like what on earth is wrong with these people. Mbu Eve was created from Adam’s ribs. All that is a bunch of nonsense when the only ribs you know and religiously follow originate from the Chester White breed of pigs. As you all await Jesus’ second homecoming, Fatboy will be on the lookout for FIFA 2016. If you intend to be like Fat Boy, you have got to be crazy enough to believe that there is no God. But who honestly doesn’t believe there is a God? Fat Boy is surely one of a kind.

Fashion crucified on the cross
Being like Fat Boy will require you to have a sour relationship with polish. Opt for something natural like the feel of dust and grammes of mud onto your shoe to give it a more traditional look. Your shoe should have a romantic liaison with dust that you never feel the need for a quick wipe. Use that same shoe to grace many places whereby it shouldn’t feel out of place when worn in the garden, dinner at a restaurant or when worn by Umeme operatives in the field. Wear faded jeans that could have been faded because of repetition and not by choice. Don all these at every function you attend.That’s the Fat Boy way. Follow through.

Bachelor for life
Fat Boy is not one you will see saying the much fancied ‘I Do’ anytime from now. Marriage to Mr Onen is a no go area partly because he doesn’t feel any woman is deserving of a space in his life. His standards are apparently too high. Fat Boy isn’t about to give up the remote or share his food with a stranger in the name of a wife. Not happening. If you are going to be like Fat Boy, marriage should spell doom to you and be the last thing on your mind. These girls who ask ‘what are we’ after a night of passion should be booted before sunrise. Delete the clingers from your life. Your salary should only go to paying bills, buying the latest X-Box and not to feed another person.
Witty and intelligent
You must read if you are going to be anything like Fat Boy but we all know Ugandans need to be held at gunpoint to do anything close to reading. Fat Boy is certainly not a stupid person and we could guess he is a sucker of knowledge who will chance on anything from a book to a website in order to broaden his knowledge about anything. The guy likes to sound smart and will tickle the intellect of anyone he is pitted against. Just ask Seanice Kacungira. Being like Fatboy will require you to punch the Google search engine to its death. Read everything from novels to obituaries. Read the newspapers, watch TV news.
If you are the kind of person whose only source of news comes from the muzigo gossip girl, being like Fat Boy might be hard. Dont just sit there. Try to discover why grass is green. It could be something the world would like to know. There you have it. Go ahead and be like Fatboy.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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