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How to be Eddy Kenzo

Eddie KenzoMR STAMINA: Currently enjoying worldwide stardom thanks to his runaway hit Sitya Loss, Eddy Kenzo has proved you can hang up your English dictionary for a career in swinging skinny jeans on stage and actually reap from it, writes Ian Ford Nkera

Who needs English when you can have people in the Middle East and Scandinavian countries dancing to a song whose language they hardly get. While people scorn him for having rural swag and a particular deficiency in the Queen’s language, Eddy Kenzo has remained true to the language he knows best which is music and eventually warmed his way into the hearts of adoring fans and has seen his bank balance multiply over the years. I hereby give you a sneak peek into the world of the Big Talent boss.

English Al-Qaeda
I get the feeling that talking about Eddy Kenzo’s English is cliché and should not be given any attention but he does this to himself. He has made erratic English his trademark that it’s hard to think of Kenzo and not think of a wrong tense somewhere. Interestingly, he is not apologetic and he will simply go on some English language terror mission in all his songs. Forget Kenzo’s guts and stick to the language you know. Life is too short, so if you see a Zari type of woman with all this high maintenance vibe going around, lay down your intentions in your more familiar ghetto strewn Luganda and I can convince you that she will be running after you. Ladies like a guy who is himself, so I hear.

Kenzo the strategist
Eddy Kenzo has a way with his fans in that he simply entices them with a groovy beat, playful lyrics and a catchy dance move that will tickle the party lover into making a dash to the dance floor.You will easily find a toothless elderly woman singing along to his songs and a kid insanely dancing to that Sitya Loss jam. He surely has a formula that works for him to charm the young and the old alike, and he has stuck to it. Don’t do things fwaa, have a strategy that works. If you are dodging your rent, examine your landlord’s timetable. Be strategic all the time if you want to be like the man from Masaka.

Kenzo the hardworker
Eddy Kenzo does work his skinny jeans off. It’s almost hard to keep up with his music as he releases music and videos on a monthly basis. His hardwork has seen him attract global attention and he is slated to feature on the Ellen DeGeneres talk show alongside the Ghetto Kids that featured in his Sitya Loss video. While many artistes delve into talk, he does the walk and has so much to show for it. So if you are going to be like him, you must have good work ethic. If you are the kind whose life depends on that receipt from Sports Betting centres, forget about being like Kenzo.

So what does Kenzo do when no one is taking interest in his music? He evaluates himself and realises that he has a gift as far as performance is concerned and decides to pen a song that he christens Stamina. He quickly shoots to fame and the President is also drawn into the Stamina frenzy. Does it pay to brag about sexual prowess? Well it did for Kenzo but I may not be sure about you. If your children have a striking resemblance with your houseboy Brian, it might not be a great idea to brag about your ability in the sack.

Mr lady pants
It’s never small or colourful enough with Eddie Kenzo so you can find him squeezing through some lady pants or do they call them skinny jeans. The babies’ section of clothing has seen Kenzo make a few visits and walking out with something that would make your four year old comfortable. The skinny jeans have kind of become his trademark and misguided teens have found this a fashion choice to die for. If you are going to be like Eddy Kenzo, be the guy who will gladly pick out something from his girlfriend’s wardrobe and wear it comfortably. Leggings are a must wear if you are going to follow Kenzo’s fashion path.

She is just a friend
Kenzo is such a wonderful friend. He courteously invited a certain female singer to move in with him but of course just as a friend and nothing more. His friend started putting on weight in the abdominal area and as a good friend; he started escorting her time and again to antenatal clinic centres. How cute! He was enraged when questions about his “friend” came up and he would rant at the media to “Die on your steps” to mean, muffe ku midala gyamwe. Have that girl over for the night and tell everyone in the morning that she is your prayer partner who came for Bible study. We shall believe you I tell you, after all we believe Kenzo.

United Nations
His career took turn for the better, when “United Nations” based in Dubai took an interest in his music. For the slow ones, I mean a businesswoman based in Dubai. Mbu apparently an investment in an English tutor could not guarantee success as much as his music so she bankrolled everything from his audios to the videos. It pays to have stamina so act fast and call one of those numbers on the “Meeting Point” section. You might find someone wealthy enough to take you out of that muzigo.
You can now live life like the famed singer Eddy Kenzo himself.

The first runner-up, Peter Emmanuela, a South Sudan national was also offered a semester’s bursary by the university.
The pageant has been off for seven years.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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