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How to be …… ‘Duke’ Thomas

Royalty: Christopher Thomas’ story is like the reverse of the movie Coming To America. This time it is Coming To Uganda as he is here to stay even after parting ways with Tooro Princess Ruth Komuntale, writes Ian Ford Nkera.

This guy was probably another of Kunta Kinte’s descendants just strolling the streets of New York City until he run into a lost naïve African girl called Ruth Komuntale who was looking for taxis going to the ‘Old Taxi Park’ at the time. I can imagine the shock on his face as he explained to her that there was no such thing as the Old Taxi Park in America before they both jumped into a cab and he showed her around.
She later must have mentioned something about being from the Tooro royal family back in Africa and he started to dream of diamonds, fleets of Roll’s Royce cars and other luxurious things which unfortunately were not to be. She on the other hand must have thought that she had run into Denzel Washington’s clone and before we knew it, a hot romance had ensued. They both treated us to a wedding of pomp and fanfare but unfortunately, the union did not go beyond its first anniversary after a much publicised split where we had the Duke crucifying Komuntale heavily on facebook.
Christopher Thomas might have fallen out of love with his now ex-wife but not out of love with the country and its people. The American born Thomas has recently settled into Uganda not for repentance but for serious business. He decided to abandon Obamaland to come and sell lip gloss of all things via Luwum Street which should say a lot about the lips of many Ugandan girls. You want to be like ‘Amooti’ Thomas, here’s your guide:

Marry the princess
All Ugandan guys should be ashamed of themselves. How do you let a girl travel from Fort Portal via Kamwenge to Entebbe and boards a plane without any of you saying a single word to sweep her off her feet. I am pretty sure this Christopher Thomas guy is no miracle worker. He could have simply helped Komuntale download a Facebook app on her phone and she fell in love with him instantly yet you guys might be there thinking that he was buying her all these expensive gifts. Credit to him for landing one of the hottest ladies in Uganda. Pick a leaf from Mr Thomas and go pick up these so called high end chicks. If she has gotten used to Guvnor, suggest somewhere new and serene like Kivebulaya’s pork joint in Nakulabye and watch her sing your praises.

Drama king
This little boy, sorry man decided to taint the squeaky-clean image of the Tooro Princess with shameless revelations about her on Facebook calling her a thigh donor, among other nasty things. He played out other childish episodes on Facebook about the princess using his towel and not returning it. Like honestly who says that? To be like Thomas, you will be required to have a 30 year old’s body with a 13-year-old’s brain and tell the whole world on Facebook about how you ponder leaving your wife for refusing to shave her legs.

‘The great duke’
The American touched down at Entebbe airport and expected to be welcomed into the Tooro family as royalty. He could have had the notion that Bentleys and Rolls Royces were going to roll up in the parking lot only to be greeted with the unavoidable horn of the Toyota Progress. Too bad for the guy that he was erroneously told that by marrying into a royal family, he could automatically become a royal. In his head, he is the Duke of oba where? Kabarole? Not too sure. If you seek Duke status, you could start the countdown to Princess Sangalyambogo’s 18th birthday and hala.

Budding businessman
This guy can sniff opportunity. Who else would ditch a ‘well paying’ accounting job back in the US to come and sell lip gloss in Uganda; moreover a foreign country. Only Christopher Duke Thomas. I could swear that I have seen many girls in dire need of lip outlook enhancers but never for a day did I think of creating something for them. Genius stuff Thomas. Be always on the lookout for any business opportunity. Do not ignore your girlfriend’s ashy knees when you can create a solution that would bring you income.
There you go. Go ahead be like the ‘Duke’.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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