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how to be Desire Luzinda

Desire Luzinda dances with seya on her launchBe known for your curves: She is a musician more famous for her voluptous body than music. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be desirable with or without music

Just last week, voluptuous singer Desire Luzinda held a concert themed the Black and White Affair,  whose proceeds would go to the Ibanda Babies Home. Quite generous for a singer that has been dubbed a “struggling artiste” for almost eternity. But we all love people who do things for a good cause and we will give her the benefit of doubt. So how about if you wanted to be just like her. I would like to believe it is more than just flashy clothes and expensive stilettos. So, I hereby take you through ways you could be like her.

Be forever young
You remember those kids you played ‘quiso-pado’ with, back when you were young? Well, they are all grown with most of them almost two years shy of their 40th birthday, married, nearly retired and basically going about life. But age is just a number so you could pluck out a few batteries from the indisciplined biological clock and forever declare yourself 25 years of age. So when you seem like a fossil destined for the museum, you could convince people otherwise. Amnesia is severe in this country so people will keep missing that you turn 25 years old each year. Never mind.

Beautiful but unlucky
Make tonnes of men in Kampala queue up just to steal a glimpse of you. Will they do it because you have a stunning face? Sadly no. Kampala men for some reason always get excited when they see an oversized rear and exaggerated hips. And since you will have these in lumpsum, you can just sit back and enjoy. A certain English grammar assassin cum former “meeya” will be the one easily falling prey to your charms,  hobnobbing around with you and often rumoured to be the one ‘eating’ the cake. Another soldier will try his luck and even claim paternity to your child but to no avail. All these supposed ‘hook-ups’ will sadly not end up at the altar. Hard luck though.

The ‘nearly there’ artiste
Just like Desire, you will have to hold back your talent. I mean you will have lots of it so why rush to show it to the world anyway. Have a career spanning over 10 years but give us a measly three hit songs. Take your time whatsoever. For crying out loud, you are 25 years of age so you could as well give us one hit song every five years. So just when everyone is thinking that you are about to get your big break, go back into oblivion and resurrect after five years. And when they ask, give them the bold  “mbade nkyafumba” (still cooking) answer. These Ugandans will shut up.

Be the next ‘Mariah Carey’
Hit those high notes. I repeat. Hit those high notes!!!! Desire Luzinda is a self confessed Mariah Carey fan so you will have to hit those notes with conviction. So does Desire Luzinda sound anything like Mariah Carey? That is highly debatable but you could try sounding like Mariah Carey instead.

‘Lessee’ to ‘owner’
Like Desire Luzinda, you will be leased ‘acres’ of space in the tabloids. You could cultivate crops of scandal, flopped concerts, paternity battles and the like. This kind of farming should be all season with scandal destined to give you your ‘main harvest’. After sometime, you will acquire full ownership of all the ‘land’ in the tabloids.
So there you have it. You can now live like Desire.

If you have got it, flaunt it. Desire is not afraid to flaunt her assets, in the end filling men, many of them twice her age, with desire.

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