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How to be …… Denzel Mwiyeretsi

Talk and talk:  They say talk is cheap, but not for Charlie Denzel Mwiyeretsi who pays his bills by talking, never mind his lisp. Add a colourful wardrobe and you are like Denzel, writes Ian Ford Nkera

Charlie Denzel Mwiyeretsi has had this bacterial effect on society over the years. All was well until a certain Denzel suddenly crawled into our lives and what started out as an itch became an irritation that has chosen not to go away. Like the way bacteria choose to present themselves in form of a rash or swellings on many parts of our bodies, Denzel has chosen to infect himself onto society with a painful dress sense that constitutes of pink shorts, countless bow ties and a series of coloured moccasins.
If you have watched him on television and your stomach felt funny, my friend you are infected and you should seek medical advice. As much as no disinfectant or antibiotic will take the Denzel scourge away, the painful reality is that the guy is quite talented and can be tolerated. He has done quite well for himself as a TV presenter and radio show host that we are given hope that we could live some few more years with him around. He also holds the world record of the shortest time as a tenant. Dude rented space in the Big Brother House only to be thrown out by the landlord immediately before he could even unpack. If you want to be like the “4ft” tall TV host, here is your guide.

On his grind
There is a strange correlation between short men and hardwork. By default, short men have to work twice as much as their taller counterparts and Denzel isn’t any exception. If it isn’t a lisp session you are put through listening to his radio show, you surely won’t miss a bow-tied human running across your screen as he headlines another of his TV shows. He certainly knows his strengths and he is putting them to use. If honestly Denzel can make a decent living, so can anyone. If you feel less of a man always criticising yourself, the impossible is possible. Just look at Denzel. The dude works his tongue off (no pun intended).

Colourful wardrobe
This shouldn’t be much of a challenge. You can walk out of your house looking like a child’s inspiration for his colouring book. When your child looks at you, he should be able to see which crayons match well with a picture in his colouring book. Walk with the entire rainbow tailored on your outfit if you want to be anything like Denzel from pink shorts to orange moccasins. If you are a man, having such a taste in clothing will require you to get in touch with your feminine side and this should have started at a tender age. You should have been the little boy who was constantly trying out dresses and wearing your mum’s make up.

Be everywhere
Denzel is everywhere. He will be at a charity event, movie opening, and album launch. You wonder if the little man ever gets some rest. If you ever want to be like Mr Mwiyeretsi, feel the need to be everywhere. A party is a party so you shouldn’t discriminate. It can be the long serving LC1 Chairman’s send off or the opening of the village well project. Just be there. I wouldn’t be surprised if I showed up at my nephew’s baptism and Denzel was somewhere playing hide and seek with the kids. Denzel suffers from third degree Fomo (Fear Of Missing Out) syndrome. Denzel Mwiyeretsi must have been conceived at a party to say the least.

Worst tenant of the year
Denzel outdid himself in the Big Brother House and was unceremoniously booted. He flung out his privates for Africa to see and kissed every tenant, which saw him last only a week in the house. If you intend to be like Denzel, I advise you to change your mind. If you just got yourself booked into your new muzigo somewhere in the outskirts of Bwaise, don’t walk around naked while plunging your tongue into the mouth of the landlord’s daughter . You will be evicted my friend. But if you still insist on being like Denzel, leave your bags at the entrance because you certainly won’t be staying long.

Denzel The Flirt
Denzel has been seen punching above his weight with former Miss Uganda Stella Nantumbwe. We all love the fact that he hasn’t let a height shortfall or slight speech problem derail his chances of hooking the former beauty queen. If he isn’t cozying up with Stella, he is whispering sweet nothings into the ears of many other glamour girls. Let the confidence do the talking for you guys out there. It doesn’t matter if you have blanket size lips or that Sebabi baby face, confidently walk up to any girl and chat her up. There you have it. Go ahead and be like Denzel.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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