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How to be… beautiful but troubled Nantaba


The cry baby: She was once no-doubt the President’s pet and she enjoyed her position as long as it lasted. She, however, caught many people’s attention when she cried after losing an election. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be Ida Nantaba.
If we did not know any better, we would think that Minister of State for Lands, Ida Erios Nantaba, is probably being bewitched or something because her woes do not seem like they are about to stop. As you curse your boss for underpaying you, remember that Nantaba takes home a not-so honourable monthly salary of Shs18,000. This amount is lower than a bus fee to Kayunga, her home village (okay that is exaggerated).
When you thought that was the lowest her sorrows could sink, she lost embarrassingly in elections for the highly-coveted position of NRM District Chairperson in Kayunga District. The people of Kayunga District that she had constantly fought for in those land grabbing squabbles foxed her like you would have never imagined. Well, she does not think so.
She believes the votes were tampered with and she is sure that she won convincingly. As of today, she is no longer part of the NRM and is likely to stand for a parliamentary position on an independent ticket. So people, if you want to be like Ms Nantaba, here is your guide.


Iron Lady
Nantaba has been fighting the so-called land grabbers since time memorial. If the only fight you have is over who uses the communal bathroom first at your muzigo in Kalerwe, it is time to change a few things. To be like Nantaba, you must have no fear for anyone or anything.
Do not swallow to be bulldozed at home, your workplace or anywhere else. For example, If you have been blessed with a hubby whose second home is the bar, be the lady kind enough to drag him out of the bar by his collar. This world needs more women of steel that do not take nonsense.

Mzee’s Blue Eyed Girl
Nantaba has used President Museveni to fight all her battles. She has made residents of Kayunga believe that she has coffee with the big man any day and can get in touch with him very easily. It has been her bargaining chip to earn the trust of the Kayunga villagers, only until recently when they voted against her. Too bad they forgot too fast and too bad the Big Man could not save her from her latest setback in the elections.
If you want to be like Nantaba, that kwemolaring act you pull when you are with your boyfriends could come in handy. Do it to your boss to earn you favours.If your workmates suspect something, ignore them and carry on. Should your boss not get amused and your workmates find out, the joke is on you madame. Just pack up and find new employment. You will be the joke of the century.


Married to problems
Nantaba is the poster child of problems. Problems follow her everywhere she goes. If you found a padlock at your muzigo in the evening for defaulting rent, remember Nantaba cruises around in a Land Cruiser fighting the mafia off peasants land for just Shs18,000 in salary. Even a vacist working in a supermarket does not earn that little. In the day, she is working for peanuts and in the night, she is allegedly watching her votes being stolen. Problems have really trailed this woman that you feel compelled to call Mama Fina to intervene. Apparently, many people in government are fighting her. Oh dear! To be like Ida Nantaba, you need to have pissed off someone really bad to have all these woes come your way. Problems can happen to anyone and if you are failing to account for company’s resources, may the Lord be with you. If your wife left you, your boss hates you and money divorced you, I can vehemently confirm that problems have officially married you.
There you have it. Go ahead and be like the beautiful but troubled Ida Erios Nantaba.
This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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